Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Sad. Tired. Jaded. Whywhywhy. Stoppit. Stop all this. Now. I demand it, like a child who asks for "moreplease" and doesn't get it. I just want to get away from all this.. go do something crazy, like sky diving or drag racing. Please, please, please...


Dearies darlings, thank you soooooo much... rachie, you've been like a float to a girl in deep water!

[Blood Sport]


I didn't understand why the book was called blood sport, not until it finally hit me this morning that what they were on about was thoroughbreds and that the BLOODline and the racing SPORT was what they were talking about. A loud OoOoOOorrrrhh emerged from the kitchen as I washed the dishes. I like british writers.. they're so smart. =) (wait, maybe I'm the blur one. ahaha.)


"I suppose," I said idly, "You didn't happen to take a photograph up there by the weir? You didn't happen to get a shot of the people in the punt?"
He shook his head, blinking like his father.
"Gosh, no, I didn't. I don't suppose actually I would have thought of taking one, not when everything was happening, do you think? I mean, it would have looked a bit off if you and Mr. Teller had been drowning and I was just standing there taking pictures and so on."
"You'll never be a newspaperman, " I said, grinning at him.
"Wouldn't you have minded, then?"
"I don't think so."
"But, anyway, "he said mournfully, "I couldn't, you see, because I finished the film at lunchtime and I didn't have another one, so even if there had been a fire or somethingI couldn't have taken it." He looked at his camera thoughtfully. "I won't finish up anymore films in the middle of the day, just in case."
"A fire," I agreed seriously, "would anyway make a much better picture than just people drowning, which they mostly do out of sight."
Peter nodded, considering me. "You know, you're quite sensible, aren't you?"
"Peter!" Exclaimed his mother in unnecessary apology. "That's not the way to talk." And she wasn't much pleased when I said as far as I was concerned he could say what he liked.


[a thing for color]

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

[star shine.]


Bright are the stars that shine.

In somebody else's sky.


It's like I'm splitting into two.. I can see myself doing all these things, and yet I'm not really there. (that's not good when driving. Apologies to Ger, Lou, Sparks and Joel for the hair raising. =P) Part of me watches me going around and yet... that emptiness, that feeling of wanting to move faster.. to make things happen, to see results for Him, to walk right and tall and straight.. I keep falling and I don't like it. Dear God.. I wish I didn't grieve you so much.. teach me how to walk ok? Yeah, need you to hold my hand.. still can't walk properly. Haie.


Oh yeah! I got 84 for my psych presentation! Oh go Su! go Susu! hehe... That's a pretty good grade ehy? We scraped a HD! wheeee! okae la, I've been a terrible proooocraaaaaastinaaator. I have NOT done any of the work I'm supposed to. I've been having too much TOO much fun. haha. I shall go do some now so that when Lydia comes, I shall have plenty of time!! yeay~! lydia teo mating. mating? mei ting..


Susu and i have had a chat and determined that I am a yesterday and today person, with little thought for tomorrow, while she is a yesterday and tomorrow person. I don't know what I want to be, although I see the cons to being what I am. The combo isn't fantastic, but neither is any one else's. Pros and cons darlings, pros and cons. Yes, so the yesterday part of me is the part that I love the best, and the today part keeps me occupied, but shouldn't one have also a sense of tomorrow? I don't really think about it. I wonder if it is genetic. I also wonder if everything will turn out as beautifully for me as it did for my parents. haha.


[Yesterday is a promise that you've broken. shizukani.]

Monday, September 26, 2005

[precarious, gregarious, crustacious]




I was so angry recently that I thought of a pun. =) And while it didn't come out of me, I smiled with an evil grin at the mirror when it formulated itself. I ought to be repentant but I am unfortunately rather cross. I am sorry about that, but crossness can't be erased with a circle, like in tic-tac-toe. So here it is:




This is the last straw and if there were any more, I would have told you to suck it up.




Okae, don't repeat that. heh. it's really nothing to be proud of, but I do get cross sometimes... anyways.. haven't posted in ages but I will when I have more time~!!




To my dearie darling, thanks for all your support~! *giggles with Triumph* and I really really appreciate all your looooooove~! MuAcKs~! Take care dearie~!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

[Se-rie-ous-lie, whatever.]

The fog that planted itself on the window.
The wheels that rumble under foot.
It's spring and you're setting yourself up for it.
Be careful where you step.
Hearts are as easily broken
as they are made joyful.
My breath on the window pane
as I step into Perth's London.
The drizzle that lessens.
As I close my eyes.

A protection of interests.
A joining of kindred spirits.
A dream of Dreamer's dreams.
They gleam.. as I reach out and touc-
but it's evasive.

I have no idea what I wrote there. It's a joining of my feelings in an amazing jumble... no point taking any meaning out of it since I can't seem to do so myself. Feel like painting again, and soon I will be able to... after these two horrible tests are over... nyahnyah.


Thanks ah, thanks. This is superiorly annoying. I am perturbed, annoyed and in fact, I don't care anymore. You can take it somewhere else. Seriously, I cannot take it anymore, and it stands to say that any more of this and I will really throw in the towel. I don't want to, but I feel like I'm being pushed into a corner. I am FED UP with this. shape up or ship out. Or as arundhati roy would say, "stoppit" yes. stoppit. so it should be stoppitted.


Haiya, I've been having a fantastic time recently actually, and although I got really frustrated about one thing in particular, that doesn't discount all the fun and fellowship I've been having recently! God has been good la... Yeah, and after this friday, is another much-loved week break! Study more! At my own leisure! more painting! More lalaing.. more.. more.. ahhaha.. zhou gong.. ni you kong ma? zzzz.... Hmm who actually knows about this chinese zhou gong thing?? The 4C pple shd know right, but other than that, do people really not know about zhou gong and his qi?


[your mercies are new every morning. (=]

[Balance on a tightrope]


Life is a tedious affair, much like tightrope walking. I tire from watching my steps all the time, tire from making sure i don't get pushed off and fall into the abyss below. Sometimes I wish I was KP. "I'm your basic average girl and I'm here to save the world." Oh someone, take me away to a place where I can just... be content... haii.. sail me away.. i love the sea. =)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

[Hearts and other Shapes]


I think I'm going woozy. I was looking at the notes I had written and I thought they read "Location of the heart: lives in the mediastinum." After my eyes had glazed over and I had cleared the sleep from them, they correctly omitted the 'v' in 'lives' and I carried on with my reading.


I realised that I have been continually engaged as a matchmaker (not to mention I also function as an EXCUSE) in one particular social circle. I don't mind it, in fact, I like laughing in my sleeve very much. Nevertheless, what I thought to be a love triangle is rather turning out to be a rectangle, hexagon, trapezium and a whole host of unnamed, unknown and unthought of shapes. Disjointed, incomplete and entangled, I have given up trying to reshape the warped things and have simply put down my matchmaking marker in favor of my biology notes. Let's study! ishou benkyoshimasu! I'm sure Jen will agree with that. =) we're the nerds.. always bringing out work around. ahaha.


Speaking of work, I really should finish studying for bio. It's not good to leave it lying around. It wants love. and what's more, Lou wants to go to the library (or libberry, as some would say) and I'm not adverse to that suggestion~!


I've got a bruise (aka blue black aka orh chei) on my wrist and I wonder how it got there. Oh well. One more similarity to my dardar, lydia... Ahaha, I remember how she would show me her bruises and tell me how she got them.. hee~!


ok la ok la, I'm such a horrible procrastinator. Cheer me on to next week's break~! and remind me not to sit in Sparky's car. He does the 'no hands' thing too much. TOO MUCH. So dangerous.. so kowaii. ach. I want to take a bus. *shivers*


[please and thank you~!]

Thursday, September 15, 2005

In This Fake Reality
Who Are You?
What is this bittersweet feeling
That I find so freshly ancient.

Zhou gong ah, Zhou gong, ni hui wan shogi mah?

I'm tired... and I just want to go away for a while. Too much work is okae with me, too much politics just drives you up the wall. Both combined just increases my chocolate intake level. Hora! Haken, haken, nyahnyah! chocolate!

You and I are betting on words
You and I are wandering worlds
apart from each other,
Joined at the heart
You and I escaping the earth
Tasting tears for all that it's worth
apart from each other,
joined by a thought
Can you believe me?
Still sitting pretty with a pistol in hand.

zhou gong ah zhou gong, ni hui chang ge ma?

Monday, September 12, 2005

[Innocent Eyes]


I long for the innocence of 5, it's been 12 years since I was there. And every year I grow more and more knowledgable. Every year I understand a little more of this world. Now I know why Jesus loved the little children. They were obedient, innocent... dear little Laura...


She told me that she wanted to open a flower shop and be a ballerina. She told me how you call Mr Bozwell uncle boz, or bozzy. She showed me her secret pathway to the front garden. And her indignance at her brother's bullying was one of a true human being's, just much smaller. But that doesn't mean one regards her any less. She is every mother's pride and joy. She is me, but small. She is you as well, but you are her with knowledge.


Treat her like you would treat a peer. Her independance and desire to grow up are mirrored in my motivation to achieve. Her joy and happiness are my concealed delight. Her fun is my mellowed laugh. And she knows it so well, oh so well, when you treat her like a child.


And she taught me truth.

Laura, in all her frailty of five, stood firm against her brother with a contemptous look enough to wither a tree, and articulated, " You can't sit while you stand and you can't stand while you sit."


[Matthew 16: 24-27] "Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. "For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? " For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then he will reward each according to his works."


Little Laura reminded me that one cannot be lukewarm, one cannot be fence sitting. (It gets uncomfortable after a while, one would think.) She reminded me that you can't eat your cake and have it, that this is a war and that I should be hot all the way.. on fire, really. I need to put on the armor of God and stand firm in his word! No more indecision and wavering, I must go all the way with a reckless abandon we talked about some 2 years ago at youth camp. Yeah, this little girl with her own world has let me in for a while, and God uses the blissful innocence of a child to teach much.


[tinsel crowns]

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Unbraek my Heart (spelt accurately for the love of Ra-e)


I've broken a heart today.


And this is not my first time.


I think I'm getting used to this.


The cold feeling.


The nausea.


The cut that bleeds deep.


The aorta that wiggles when I put my finger in, remembering what dear old Mrs Liang used to do! Oh how I miss her biology antics~! ahaha. Did i catch u there? Aww.. too smart la, you.


Yeah la, I did in a pig's heart today, mediaseptum and all. It's my third time... (sec school, high school, uni!)... Very unforgiving, those silver scissors. Snip snip snip. And Su Ann was looking funnily at those blood clots stuck in the atrium. The valves were more interesting than usual.. maybe because I've never learnt the details until now! But today... a lot of blood. I don't know why.. maybe they're super fresh la. Yeah so we were singing... unbreak (braek) my heart.. ahaha... and we were just cutting the left ventricle up.. eww. Today our 'friends' were out in full fledge... there were 5 tables full of cadavers la! I recognise some of my old friends. The one I met the first time I ever saw a cadaver... And the subsequent very familiar... faces? But no, let us not be superficial, after all, I've never seen their skin. well, familiar bodies then. Muaha, as you can tell this is my first lab this sem, and I'm getting back into it.. urgh. Today was the weirdest one, because my eyes started smarting halfway and I realised that it was the FORMALIN. and I when I looked at the cadaver.. it was drying out. So yeah, that's why. I don't know. Would you rather be dry and make people cry (great, it rhymes!) or have your lung cavity filled with wetting solution? And because I cannot answer this question, I shall stick to being an organ donor.


I feel like drinking wine. =X. haha. Shhh...


[You make me wanna be brave]

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

[Tinsel Crowns]


" Among the plastic saints of our times, Christ has to do all the dying and all we want is to hear another sermon about His dying...

No cross for us, no dethronement, no dying. We remain king within the little kingdom of Mansoul and wear our tinsel crown with all the pride of a caesar; but we doom ourselves to shadows and weakness and spiritual sterility."


Tozer



So true, so guilty, and if the Lord wills, change me...

My plastic world is breaking down, I cannot live in my barbie doll world any longer. I'm growing older, yet it seems not fast enough. Scorned for my youth perhaps. Not everyone realises that I am actually serious, that seventeen does have her head on, and I know I have been judged for it. I am deeply deeply unspeakably grateful for those who DO know me, and who love me anyway. But I cannot back down from the promise I've made, nor from the promises that have been made to me. A look in the enigmatic looking glass will tell, if you choose to look carefully, to look hard and look well.


Questions raised, and the fear I scorn in myself threatens to peek out. But today I'm not backing down. God help me say this more often when I should! And God help me to be humble when I need to confess shortcomings. God give me more wisdom, please, only you know how much I really need it. I knew what I was going to face when I committed myself to this, I knew much of it would be internal. And the battle has just begun, when my armor is barely on. But I went into this telling myself I WANT to fight this, I WANT to overcome this, so I really should not tire of it so quickly, ne? Taking courage in this, and not letting my weaknesses be despised, although it is so human to do so:


"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things- and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God- that is, our righteous, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written:" let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

[1 Corinthians 1: 27- 31]


[I'm glad you know me inside out]

Monday, September 05, 2005

[Cackles]


Tee hee. Ok, so that was not a cackle, but I fully cracked up in the labs when I read rachel's blog! Thanks ah, abe. (missing B, that's what! That's how all this started.) I was starting to wonder how all this came about, and I realised it started at the BEGINNING of the conversation when I typed "Hi abe". ahahaha. I love typos.


Yes dear, you certainly are a great support to me! Ahahaha, have to admit, that was a GREAT one. Seriously, that was a rare series we had last night, ehy?? Haven't done it in ages and ages... ahah, now I know what I'm missing.. *sobs hysterically* ahaha.


eep! gtg for class... tata~!!! *runs away*

Sunday, September 04, 2005

[Within and Without]

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Once again, thanks to Marky for the pictures... And no, I have not turned goth, do not dispair.. I only did this in a fit of boredom during drama rehearsals. Well, as u can tell, Marky was bored too. yeah, I know it's overwhelming egomania... nyahhyah.


Today, I have finally and bravely dared to don t-shirt and shorts~! Haha, spring is here, and I gladly proclaim this, remembering how it feels like in Singapore to totter around the house in shorts instead of shuffling around in jeans and trackies. 3 months of winter has been too long~! TOO LONG~! I want my thermal energy!!


Mum accidentally washed my furry white turtleneck and the 'mao chu lai liao'. Haha. I always look bloated up in it, and so it went for a 'weight loss program' in the washing machine. Her excuse is that now the shirt looks better. -_-" aha. I had to take it out to the garden to get the fur off.


I've been thinking: Driving is (to quote my darling Geraldine) no big no small. The thing about me driving is that I'm the blessed one to have parents here, to have a car here. I didn't say anything about being able to drive it well. I thought about it, and Lou and Joel would both be able to drive if they had a car.. and drive much more.. err. wonderfully!?!? Sometimes I wish I could just be experienced all at once, so I wouldn't have to go through the motions of being scared, making people scared, and scaring myself. heh. Dear God.. help me drive safe...


[Chocoholics Anonymous Vol. 554]

I got 190g of CHOCOLATE today~! HYAHHYAHHYAH. Credit to Daddy! My daddy so rawks. Thankew daddie~! hahha. oh. and I think Marky owes me 5kg of choc. hyahhyahhyah.


Siiiigh. Took too many poser shots today in KFC. Aiyo.. somemore some tak glam la.. cannot cannot le.. I have turned into such a camwhore... nyahnana. haaaaalp.


[Without you I'm undone- Happy Father's Day, my Father in Heaven~!]

Thursday, September 01, 2005

[Designs In Life]

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Tell me what you're thinking, when the shadows are gone.


I don't know what to say, because what I feel now seems to awkwardly transcend language, and I am mixed in a torrent of emotion and memory. Perhaps I shall begin with iniquity.


My darker self has come out too much for my own liking lately. The cynic inside me crys, dying and yet refuses to be snuffed out, for that is the essence of its life. I try to ignore it, and yet at times, when hit in the right way (how about below the belt?) she rattles at her chains and cackles.


I read my Darling's own words, and I cry so much just from the pain of nothingness. I cry that my memories will change and trick me, cry that I no longer remember the important things in life, cry that when I come home I might find things so undeniably altered that my colorful life there will turn ashen grey. Home! Where is home for me now? Do I dare, friend, as you write, to open the door? I fear a whiteness that fades empty, I fear a long road that doesn't bend. But the strange thing is these feelings will not last me long, they will pass and I shall go on with life. Whether they be dead, or only supressed, I know not. But where I am truly happy does not depend on physical location, but the state of my heart. I have changed much, and life has found me altered so much you wouldn't know me before. I am happier than before, but also sadder than before. I laugh louder, but less often. I cry more, but with more understanding.


Yes Deer, I am proud of you!! You've caught onto the fire I was always talking about, you feel the love and the grace and passion I could only vaguely gesture at. Lucky you, getting Rev Pam again~!!! I read your blog and I know what you mean, what you write of, how you sing, and how you long for more! But lately I've fallen so short of that... Lately, I've been an old hag... oh how I wish life was more simple. I'm growing old too, and sometimes there are days where I refuse to step out of the house because I am just too cranky and crabby. Antisocial? Am I that jaded? I wish you were here, that way you'd remind me and I'd remind you of what things are and where to go. You're the only one who'd be the same size as me... I got teased recently about my size, and oh it hurts so bad.


Babes, thank you so so much for loving me... For mandy and Jo too~!!!! Lydia, thank you for reminding me about where I am going... Rachel, thank you for reminding me about where I've come from!! Love to all~!

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Thankies to Mark (ice-bear) for the photo.. =)


[I just want to be loved, just want to be heard]


Twas a sad day for one such as I. I don't like being this way. Miss u all, love to you guys back in SG always. *muacks*