Thursday, August 25, 2011

The truth is so ugly.

I've been so afraid to tell the truth that I won't even admit it to myself. But I need to do it, to write it out so that the words read aloud and I can ask myself if I am delusional or if I am telling the truth.

I am bulimic. In politically correct mental health terminology I have a difficult relationship with an eating disorder. I think that I eat too much, then I throw it up. It happens almost every night that I live in Australia. It never happens when I am in Singapore or when I am on holiday, or when I am away from my parents. I feel that I am constantly putting on weight. I don't know whether I really am or not. I don't know whether I eat too much or not. I ask my husband if I am putting on weight or eating too much and he tells me I am not. I don't believe him even though I want to. I don't want to care about the way I look but there is a thorn in my flesh who constantly reminds me that I don't look correct every time I see her. I don't want to see her but I have to. I have to pretend that I'm happy or worse things happen when I see her. I can't take that, it makes me feel worse. She needs everything to be ok with me or she will get angry, as if it is my fault that I don't feel happy. She constantly comments on my body and makes me feel disgusting and inadequate. I don't want to see her anymore but I pretend like I am happy and I continue to act normal. I feel like a two faced hypocrite because when I am acting happy my insides struggle to try to feel happy but I am just hurt and angry with everything she has put me through. Most of the time I feel like she is intrusive and overbearing and any real conversation we have is her judging me for what I am saying and never being positive about me. It's come to a point where I would rather not see her at all but I'm too scared to do this because she will be very angry and feel entitled to seeing me and for me to be completely happy. She thinks I should be perfect and in control and every little defect on me is picked on. I am contemplating giving up my relationship with her altogether for the sake of my health. I don't know if doing this would make things worse as she might harrass me.

I wish I could call someone. I'm normal at work in the day and I'm a wreck at night.

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