Sunday, October 16, 2011

Been clean for about a month now. That's good. My stomach is a lot more settled and I'm feeling a lot better. Loving work and life.

It's an amazing solitary sunday afternoon. with corn. And sunlight. And warmth.
God is here, in my semi sleepiness, surprises everywhere.

Sometimes I love being alone.

He started on my inside and is working his way out. He was there from the start.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The truth is so ugly.

I've been so afraid to tell the truth that I won't even admit it to myself. But I need to do it, to write it out so that the words read aloud and I can ask myself if I am delusional or if I am telling the truth.

I am bulimic. In politically correct mental health terminology I have a difficult relationship with an eating disorder. I think that I eat too much, then I throw it up. It happens almost every night that I live in Australia. It never happens when I am in Singapore or when I am on holiday, or when I am away from my parents. I feel that I am constantly putting on weight. I don't know whether I really am or not. I don't know whether I eat too much or not. I ask my husband if I am putting on weight or eating too much and he tells me I am not. I don't believe him even though I want to. I don't want to care about the way I look but there is a thorn in my flesh who constantly reminds me that I don't look correct every time I see her. I don't want to see her but I have to. I have to pretend that I'm happy or worse things happen when I see her. I can't take that, it makes me feel worse. She needs everything to be ok with me or she will get angry, as if it is my fault that I don't feel happy. She constantly comments on my body and makes me feel disgusting and inadequate. I don't want to see her anymore but I pretend like I am happy and I continue to act normal. I feel like a two faced hypocrite because when I am acting happy my insides struggle to try to feel happy but I am just hurt and angry with everything she has put me through. Most of the time I feel like she is intrusive and overbearing and any real conversation we have is her judging me for what I am saying and never being positive about me. It's come to a point where I would rather not see her at all but I'm too scared to do this because she will be very angry and feel entitled to seeing me and for me to be completely happy. She thinks I should be perfect and in control and every little defect on me is picked on. I am contemplating giving up my relationship with her altogether for the sake of my health. I don't know if doing this would make things worse as she might harrass me.

I wish I could call someone. I'm normal at work in the day and I'm a wreck at night.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

This is difficult, right here, right now. The being here is difficult.
I feel like I'm searching for what I want my life direction to be, going through late adolescence as an adult. And adolescence just plain sucks. It doesn't matter where you are when you finally decide to get through it, it just sucks.
Just when I gather a hint of what I want to do, it gets thrown out the window. All these ideas surface and resurface, bursting on the surface like a volatile angry pot of soup. I DON'T know what I want to do.

Should I explore other career options that I may enjoy more?
Furniture design, interior design, graphic/media art, writing?

Are there more hobbies that I should take more seriously, and others I should leave behind?
Singing? Pole dancing? Dance? Painting?

I feel so confused, because I don't even know if I want to be in this country. Should we move to Singapore? When should I have children? Be a stay home mum?

Money... will there be enough? How can I be smart about it? Is that holiday too much money? Are experiences really worth it?

And although the church is having prayer meetings every night I have not gone to any. I was meant to go today but I was too busy running errands all over. :S scary face!
I don't feel included in church. I don't feel belonged at all.
In fact I don't think people at church like me.
I would leave, but I can't bring myself to do so.
So, isolation seems inevitable.
I struggle to make good all the time.

I feel like crying all the time. Every little thing sets me off, a sad movie, a song, sharing, words, and I start to tear...

Maybe I need a break from life.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Those $3 boots.

Went to Myer since their stocktake was on and got a pair of $80 down to $53 and paid $3 since I had a $50 voucher! Huzzah! They look amazing. They are flat knee high lace up black boots with 3 buckles. Oh my oh my.

I may only have 2 scarves and 3 good nail polishes, but tonight I feel like I got 10 new outfits just by getting these boots.

Ahhhhhhh.... *sighs contentedly*

Plus, I made Pa Jeon for lunch tomorrow!

If I could purr right now, I would.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Oratio, Meditatio, Tentatio

Prayer, Meditation, Temptation. So perhaps there are such things as good mistakes, which I am sure Sara Bareilles believes in. Maybe not good mistakes, but not so bad ones. Luther spoke about 3 things that helped him really understand the word of God- Prayer, meditation and yes also temptation. Paul backs him up scripturally on this.

It was uncanny to read more of "sovereign joy" only to come to the point where Luther expresses his beliefs that serious preachers have an obligation to learn Greek. A sign if anything.

Moreover Luther plugs language learning as the scabbard to the sword. I thought- there it is, I always knew language was good for something!
Sara Bareilles- Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.


I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

I have to be honest.

I haven't had an outburst in such a long time.
I feel a lot of pain from it.
Perhaps it is an area I didn't know existed until today.
Perhaps I needed it to be exposed so that I can overcome it and be stronger.
But the pain is so strong, and I am so desperate at this moment.
If only I could get rid of either this mindset, or this body. If only.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Art Tube.

It's been a rather morbid public holiday recently, having been forced to reflect upon the sanctity and value of human life following the untimely passing of a primary school mate. May she rest in peace.

After a hoard of questions had passed through my mind, mostly confusing and unanswerable, I found myself on very familiar ground. The question I ask the most and the most often- Why live this life?

It doesn't help that Solomon in Ecclesiastes found that life was basically meaningless too- without God, that is. But I guess that God did make us with every intention that we should enjoy the finer points of life, which I consider to mostly consist of the small things, savoured slowly and with time to spare.

I guess even taking pictures with an old Russian Smena Symbol on an Anzac public holiday is really something, huh?

And after reading and hearing about the state that Singapore is currently in, I really cannot complain, can I? So they tax me more here and give my money to people who don't want to work, refuse to look at my Husband's visa and have extremely poor HR and admin systems, but at least I'm not asked to have 2.1 babies and still work like a horse.

Horses and rabbits have different powers, you know, even if the horses are famous for their...