Re: Court Representation

Dear Madam,

I have assumed your kindness in reading this letter will automatically qualify you as a likely candidate for a simple request such as this. The law does not condone surgery if a durable or springing power of attorney is not granted by the patient. Our dilemma is this: The patient in question has been rendered mute and is currently in a state of vegetation (Different to the state of vegetablility he is used to being in. That was a conscious state). He has not had the foresight to appoint a power of attorney to anyone (as most cucumbers don't, let's not point fingers now especially since they don't have any) and is now incapable of doing so. However, surgery in the near future brings the possibility of restoring his quality of life to what it was.

I beg your kindness in representing two such unfortunate cucumbers in court so that they should be given a second chance at life and their unfortunate oversight (or undersight) toward legal matters be forgiven. Speak, strike, redress. And to redress, one needs speech. Or cloth.

Your fees are undoubtedly the highest in New York, yet we do not hesitate to seek your expertise since we want only the best for our loved ones. Your stand on the case is clear; 'Larry Dies' was tatooed all over the outside of your building in red watermelon juice, and the news coverage has been fantastic. I understand you must have been very agitated to waste such a beverage of preference. We have been stalking (celery style) you and we know you drink it every morning. And since you have that very little bit of handy knowledge, we know where you live too. We know about topsy. We know about the short samurai who sneaks into your bedroom on tuesday nights. We know that you own 12 tubs of mashed celery which you eat with ferver when you're stressed. And finally, we know who you fell in love with when you were in kindy. We have him hostage right now in the four seasons hotel (he likes spas you see) and if you do not comply to our request, we will haul you into court and make him testify about your baby pictures! WE KNOW ABOUT THAT BABY PICTURE.

We hope that you will have compassion on our green friends. Please make your decision quickly because our friends lives are in danger. Other lives are also in danger. Social lives, for example. You know what I mean. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely and undoubtedly truthfully,

L&S

p.s. If you do not comply, this letter will self destruct and all the pink bacteria bombs in your office will explode into a tiny mess of vibrant color.

p.p.s. Count your VJ PE shorts. You're missing one pair and I'm wearing them. Very comfy.