I struggle for purpose.

Please, if you have any idea, let me know...

What do working people work for?

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Wonder if I am a bit bonkers (or very) for bouncing up and down between being ok and then not.. is this normal of everyone? Do I need to see a doctor?

Miss Singapore a lot lately. I felt so bad coming out of the office from work today at 6.30- everything was dark, empty, locked, lonely. I thought to myself that in Singapore, I would not be the last to leave and that even if I was, everyone else would be shopping, going home, meeting friends... doing life openly and not behind closed doors like they had some secret to hide (whether it be pumpkin muffins or broken chairs).

Today I documented in succinct style the contents of the day- boring as, for a journal type thing, but I am interested to know how much time I take to do what. I want to know my habits. I could even perform statistical analyses on this! (Why don't people just pay me to know about me?)

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Had my second poor fitful dream about work. I don't know if I have gotten more stressed lately. I will speak to my supervisor at our meeting tomorrow about performance. I have no real means of measuring where I am, which can be really difficult.

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Dennis' ambition is to be a good husband, father and pastor. My ambition is to be a ?good ?wife, ?mother, and ????????. I feel so much less stable- question marks are punctuation you can slide off easily and hurt yourself on. What do I really want to be/do. I have no idea at all in the whole wide world. If I said I want to serve God, Love Him and praise Him all my days.. how does that transpire? No one will pay me to live in a church and sing praise all day- I still have to work and earn and worry about Mortgage and life and marriage etc. It's so much harder to do life God's way when I am so human.

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I wonder if there are forums for people like me.. early working life/ quarter life crisis/ seemingly happy then sad then happy.

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I sewed Dennis a wallet which he professes to like very much. I love that dear old boy so much. When I really think about this whole lethargy of life purpose, I realise that I do want to marry him. Even if it means logistics, brussel sprouts, and silly man-ness. I realise that one of the things that really motivates me to earn is my wedding. (even though it doesn't really motivate me in a happy way- it's something I want but the means to the end isn't necessarily pleasant/unpleasant.. Or else I would be jumping off the walls a lot more. hurhur).

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Maybe I just need to accept that life just IS. That this IS life. That's just it- life. life life life. alive life. find a life, get one. Buy one, steal one, twist an arm for one. I need to love it, love life.