There are times in life when you blame yourself for lack of people to blame. And you hate yourself for lack of people to hate. And you think you're not good enough, and use that as the nearest reason to explain your confusion. But deep down inside you know that nobody's at fault. Yet you torture yourself, tell yourself to use this hurt and anger to get done what you want done. Doesn't matter what it is, school work, losing weight, studying for tests, cleaning your room... You just channel all the feelings inside you into the work you've got before you. And you lose yourself in it.

Jogging is theraputic. It takes your mind off everything, for sheer need of concentration. You psyche yourself to keep moving, one foot after the other, and you never want to stop. Then the pain starts to set in as the lactic acid builds in your muscles. Yet you know that it's the only way to burn calories. You keep moving. And you don't have enough energy to think about anything else except that next step. The road moves from under you. You stand still, as time moves by like a snail crossing the road. And you're alone. The blissful quietness. The unobtrusiveness of the road and the nodding trees pass you by in the most tranquil way. For all your inner turmoil and struggle to move, you enjoy yourself. That's what jogging is for. For sad people. For people who aren't satisfied. For people who know they can do better than that.

Sometimes in life a good thing happens. And it hurts like crazy. You can't cry, because there's nothing to cry about. Yet, it deserves all the tears that have welled up inside you. And you hate yourself and your life. The funny thing is that you know everything is perfectly fine and in control.

I suppose I should be grateful at the lack of fuss over the whole thing, really thankful that everything's set right. But then, in the setting right of things, a lot of things have gone wrong. A lot of questions have been raised that I cannot answer- that I am afraid to answer. Perhaps this is for the best. Perhaps I should find out something I don't want to know should things drag. Perhaps, just perhaps, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just don't know it yet.

I'm thankful. That my God is in control, and that I am in no way insecure. I feel so safe. Like my life has been set into place for me... that the rocks have been taken out of my path. Like the way has been made for me to wander down life's path enjoying myself... with all the bad things gone.. I don't know why. Perhaps, deep down inside, I'm really grateful for this. Perhaps, we've all proven to be the people we say we are. And perhaps, in all the mess we've made, order has been restored. Somewhere, somehow.

The sky is still blue and the grass is green. Nothing's changed that's bad. But I guess there are pieces of glistening glass to pick up. And tears to dry. It's silly to cry. No one cries over these things... do they?

If you want to love, love carefully because one sided love means total loss.

I don't think this is fair.
Don't think nothing is changed just cos you don't want it to.
It's changed already.
And you can't expect me to play the game.
The game where we all pretend that everything's the same.
Don't want to lose me?
Too late.
A part of me is gone already.
You can try to keep the rest.
But it'll be like gluing petals back on a flower.
It won't stick.
It'll look ugly.
And don't treat me so nice anymore.
Won't do you any good.
I know it doesn't mean anything to you.
So I shan't kid myself into thinking
That you mean it to me.

Winter is so cold. The wind cuts.

I should go now. Work to do. Life to live. Productivity must go up. Must study harder than ever before.