.Ecstacy Pills.

Maybe I'm a little high but I've really been over observant in the past few hours. It's been a painful experience and more than once I've felt like I was going to break and give up. But I kept up my front and hid behind the stove while I washed the dishes instead. Thank God for roasted red beans. Thank God for understanding cellies. And I hope the only burn victim will swiftly recover after being soaked in water overnight. Being a pot, we didn't rush to hospital. Oh man, I am rambling AND getting lame.This is so not good.

.Hikikomori.

Some things you learn in the rain. Some things you learn with a little pain.

The reflex action of withdrawing from social contact is an exaggerated phenomenon in Japan, but I begin to recognise it in my own life. In the little things and the little nudges that people give you. When things begin to happen, even the most irrational twitch of someone else's head annoys you. Your paranoia plays out like a dream and you start to feel a strange pain in some part of you that you can't put a finger on. Your emotions run wild, your vision blurs and for some reason, you want to cry. Like a cornered animal you balk, but outwardly you're calm as a cucumber. What is it? you ask. What is it that makes you so completely irrational that you cannot even keep your head level in a purely social situation? I identify with the crazy rebellious teens who become hikikomori but the only difference there is lies in a decision. A choice. I suppose they chose to go into seclusion. I suppose I choose to live my life as boldly as I can. I suppose that one day the choice might present itself to me again. I suppose I'll figure it out as I go.

I realise I am not making sense. I also realise that when I look back on this I will wonder what in the world was going through my head. And I also realise that it is perfectly okae to be stressed sometimes and perfectly okae to show it. So RAR RAR to anyone who looks at me funny. I am not crazy. Maybe just high on fear?

[hide behind the burned red beans]