[Designs In Life]



Tell me what you're thinking, when the shadows are gone.

I don't know what to say, because what I feel now seems to awkwardly transcend language, and I am mixed in a torrent of emotion and memory. Perhaps I shall begin with iniquity.

My darker self has come out too much for my own liking lately. The cynic inside me crys, dying and yet refuses to be snuffed out, for that is the essence of its life. I try to ignore it, and yet at times, when hit in the right way (how about below the belt?) she rattles at her chains and cackles.

I read my Darling's own words, and I cry so much just from the pain of nothingness. I cry that my memories will change and trick me, cry that I no longer remember the important things in life, cry that when I come home I might find things so undeniably altered that my colorful life there will turn ashen grey. Home! Where is home for me now? Do I dare, friend, as you write, to open the door? I fear a whiteness that fades empty, I fear a long road that doesn't bend. But the strange thing is these feelings will not last me long, they will pass and I shall go on with life. Whether they be dead, or only supressed, I know not. But where I am truly happy does not depend on physical location, but the state of my heart. I have changed much, and life has found me altered so much you wouldn't know me before. I am happier than before, but also sadder than before. I laugh louder, but less often. I cry more, but with more understanding.

Yes Deer, I am proud of you!! You've caught onto the fire I was always talking about, you feel the love and the grace and passion I could only vaguely gesture at. Lucky you, getting Rev Pam again~!!! I read your blog and I know what you mean, what you write of, how you sing, and how you long for more! But lately I've fallen so short of that... Lately, I've been an old hag... oh how I wish life was more simple. I'm growing old too, and sometimes there are days where I refuse to step out of the house because I am just too cranky and crabby. Antisocial? Am I that jaded? I wish you were here, that way you'd remind me and I'd remind you of what things are and where to go. You're the only one who'd be the same size as me... I got teased recently about my size, and oh it hurts so bad.

Babes, thank you so so much for loving me... For mandy and Jo too~!!!! Lydia, thank you for reminding me about where I am going... Rachel, thank you for reminding me about where I've come from!! Love to all~!