I fell out of the plane, another sardine out of the cramped tin can.
13 hours. I wanted to whinge so much.
Instead, there is isolation.
No one to talk to.
No one who knows me.
So I stay silent.
And as the jet lag and vertigo swirls me endlessly,
cruelly,
I clench inside.
I'm not going to crumble, not even a little.
And I haven't.

Immigration looked so intimidating.
He yelled at the person in front of me.
"Where are you studyin Gat?"
Prayer.
Kept praying.
Like a manic fervent obsession.
Anxious prayer.
The same immigration officer was SUPER nice to me.
God is good.
I saw my luggage almost instantly when I reached carousel 4.
God is good.

The 5 hour drive to Scotland was beautiful.
And vertigo-ish with me swirling some more.
I scared my mother on the phone.
"Mum, I'm in Perth."
"What are you talking about!?!?!?"
"There's a perth in scots too you know."
-_- Cheap thrill.

I am SO time confused.
I don't know when I ate, don't know when to eat.
I don't know when to sleep!
I don't know WHEN I am!
WHEN am I??????????
*swirls like Sara Lee cake*

Emotionally, the numbness has set in.
So so so so numb.
I think, but the thread connecting my thoughts to my heart and stomach is broken. It's a state of shock I'm in, and I don't know when it will change or whether it will be worse when I go back to feeling it. I think I will feel it, and it will be worse when I do.

But i don't mind feeling it. I want to know I'm real.
I want to know what God wants.
I want to know.
But I cannot demand.
And anyway, His plan makes sense.
Cos I don't have a good plan.

The pendulum has swung and now I am on the other end. The see-saw has flipped sides and I am experiencing a sense of knowing but not knowing. A not processing feeling.

In short, In shock.

Everything is invading me. I'm weary from guarding against the world. I'm weary from not knowing where I am, when i am. I'm weary from not knowing. From being alone.

It is painfully alone here.
A-Lone.
alone.

I confess:
I scrambled for the internet as often as I could for as long as I could.
The previous posts should be an indication.
It hurts.

Somewhere inside, there is a blank spot.
A quiet spot.