Shi Hua Shi Shuo
Whenever I think or write, part of me is reserved- kept away toward the back of the conscious mind. I've kept questions that I've never been able to answer, questions which answers just get more complicated. Questions like: Do you want to go back to Singapore? Will life ever be normal again? Will you ever feel like you're back in a familiar place?
After 3 years of running around and feeling happy/unhappy in a place I am forced to call home all I can say is that I am thoroughly confused. I know that I miss Rachel and Lydia and Avvy badly. But where do I want to be? What can I do to make this uneasiness go away? It's an uneasiness of unfamiliarity.
If you can't beat em, join em, right? So I bought my flat shoes and black tights and turned Aussie for a while. I got fat and thin in turns. I was extroverted and withdrawn in my different seasons. But nothing's changed. I have adapted to life here, but I am neither happy not sad and I am most certainly unsatisfied. Bouts of satisfaction, yes, but shouldn't life have bouts of dissatisfaction instead? Before my world expanded in 2004, Singapore was all I knew and all I wanted. I've lost my tongue, I feel like life is slowly dripping out of me.
Dear God, help me. I don't want to write treatment plans for communication clients for the rest of my life. You know what I want- I want the art I never dared to study, I want the horizons I'm too tired to reach. For now, I'm just going to drift off into a glorious dream and I ask that you pilot my ship because I am absolutely exhausted.
Take me to my secret hiding place. Jer 29:13.. If I seek with all my heart I will find you, you will be found, my God and my King.
Oh God, Break me, Take me, Take all I am- weak, human, imperfect, a wretch. I have no will to live of my own accord: If you will show me what you want me to be then that is all I can hope to be or want to be.
Some things will remain always a mystery. Voices, tears, sleep.
Lover of my soul, there can only be one for all eternity.
Whenever I think or write, part of me is reserved- kept away toward the back of the conscious mind. I've kept questions that I've never been able to answer, questions which answers just get more complicated. Questions like: Do you want to go back to Singapore? Will life ever be normal again? Will you ever feel like you're back in a familiar place?
After 3 years of running around and feeling happy/unhappy in a place I am forced to call home all I can say is that I am thoroughly confused. I know that I miss Rachel and Lydia and Avvy badly. But where do I want to be? What can I do to make this uneasiness go away? It's an uneasiness of unfamiliarity.
If you can't beat em, join em, right? So I bought my flat shoes and black tights and turned Aussie for a while. I got fat and thin in turns. I was extroverted and withdrawn in my different seasons. But nothing's changed. I have adapted to life here, but I am neither happy not sad and I am most certainly unsatisfied. Bouts of satisfaction, yes, but shouldn't life have bouts of dissatisfaction instead? Before my world expanded in 2004, Singapore was all I knew and all I wanted. I've lost my tongue, I feel like life is slowly dripping out of me.
Dear God, help me. I don't want to write treatment plans for communication clients for the rest of my life. You know what I want- I want the art I never dared to study, I want the horizons I'm too tired to reach. For now, I'm just going to drift off into a glorious dream and I ask that you pilot my ship because I am absolutely exhausted.
Take me to my secret hiding place. Jer 29:13.. If I seek with all my heart I will find you, you will be found, my God and my King.
Oh God, Break me, Take me, Take all I am- weak, human, imperfect, a wretch. I have no will to live of my own accord: If you will show me what you want me to be then that is all I can hope to be or want to be.
Some things will remain always a mystery. Voices, tears, sleep.
Lover of my soul, there can only be one for all eternity.
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