String Frayed

Guys, I'm sorry to say that the grand record of not crying at work because of work has been broken. The last time the involuntary waterworks turned on was in January when I started stuttering and even then I was ok because all 4 girls were taking dreadful crap and we all took it together anyway (I remember buying Tanith a Milo bar). I never wanted to repeat that dreadful darkened day of accusational confrontation that ended in tears. Although this time was different, I still couldn't hit the emergency beaver-builds-a-dam-cos-the-flood-is-coming button. I'm so embarrassed. I cleared my tray in the 'wee bucket' and went to the bathroom (which I did announce awkwardly). And I closed the door and started to sob. A good 15 minutes later I emerged, recomposed (a little), and the therapy team had just come out of the dining room. Which was awkward for me. I decided to be assertive and objectively figure out the mis-com about expectations and performance later during a private discussion. It turned into psychology therapy 101. I failed miserably and miserable I am now. I hate being weak. What about people like Tegs who can just breeze through emotions (read: ignore them) like a man? What happened to that? Why am I so incompetent in 'taking it'? Does it just mean I'm not good at doing life???? I know I am the kind who breaks in really hard at first, works well later, as with many things in my life. It takes getting used to. So I'm glad it's over. It's just, I didn't think it would be like this.

Yah, my confessions once made might as well be completed. I stood in the cold darkness, waiting for Eng (that man is so nice I could hug him right now, except he would think I'm mad) to pick me up. And he was late because he was trying to find out how to drive to my hospital. So I crouched down directly under the lamplight, not knowing where he was and when he was coming and by the time the 8th car passed me by, I was a total wreck because everything that had gone on the in the past 24 hours raced like crazy through my head and my earworm played Daniel Powter's "bad day" over and over. I wanted to swear so badly. I still do. I wanted to kick anything and everything. I was so pissed with myself, and my expectations and my asian 'get it done now, do it right the first time'... It's been a huge lesson isn't it. Life is really too short to take yourself seriously. And it's probably been an issue with me for a while. I take my work too seriously.

Eventually I found Eng (he came in the other entrance) and on the way home we talked about stressing and being easygoing.
"Why you want to be stressed for? I don't get stressed. Except for exams."
"I don't want to, it kind of jumps on me without my looking."
Here's an idea: You can be not stressed if you try hard enough.

OH, SCRATCH THAT. ROAAAAR.

I'm fine now, and I'm gonna take it a day at a time, a week at a time..
I'm glad I splurged on notebooks.
Clifford cannot kill me for it because they are USEFUL.
not just AESTHETIC.
:p