Saturday, March 05, 2005

*-[Tsunanoshiro]`+

Minna-San, please tell me I spelt sandcastle in Jap correctly...
I shall take my time to write this entry because my heart goes into it. My emotions are being dragged on a rollercoaster- I'm not sure what to think at all. I'm afraid to think. It's been a fun day.. a nice day.. a cloudy, cold (ちょっと寒い), beachy day. A day where everyone's just relaxing... having a bit of letting go.. the week's tension fails to break the spirit, and the cold wind does one good. And yet the pain and the irrevocable stab wounds have not healed. Who wields the knife, you ask? I do. I've done this. I've caused this pain. I didn't do it on purpose, of course. I'm NOT a psycho (as much as my readings of david g. Myers' textbook on psychology may try to make one of me.) (Can you believe that he was CORNY enough to suggest that there was a science called psychoceramics? The study of crackpots, said he. I frowned.) Anyhow, these wounds are not physical, which would henceforth prove my sanity.
And yet it is no comfort that I must sit sober on this ride, when I want so badly to get down, to shout out to the world how I feel, to tell people what really is. But how can I do this unless I know what really is? How do I really feel? I don't know. And none of your flashing lights and button pushing psychology is going to fix that, Mr. Myers. No siree. I believe in one God the Almighty, all that he is is all that I want. Unfortunately for me, psychology isn't a science or a pseudo-science, it's simply taking a hike on a long gooseberry chase and coming back on the bus to where you started off. Thanks for the ride.
As you can see, it isn't just matters of the heart that are causing irritation, it's also the studying. And to add to that another matter: disspointment. So what, there are 3 causes for an upset 17 year old who sits at the piano playing 'Always' because it reminds her of what she has, of what she puts her faith in, her money on, and her security in. It's he who rose the sun for me, who painted me a million stars that I might know his majesty. And for that, I'm okae. But today's been heavy upon my heart because of these 3 things. The first being the most heavy- Chimari and Yuuko found out about it today (恋の何何) but they don't know who it is... I daren't breathe a word because they've already mentioned the person in passing- and also because I don't want it to go around...It's still close to my heart and obviously it still matter a lot to me-

NyAhh.
I'm going to play the piano..
RaCh! だれ?だれ?まじで?

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