I say, of laughter it is mad, and of mirth, what doeth it? haha. it's funny knowing that this is from the bible.. it seems like such a sad thing to say, but it unfortunately resonates my mood.
The sadness that wells up just cries to be supressed and expressed... such a contradiction. you can't do both at once, can you?
Dearest(s), I'm afraid to write here, because I know you both worry, and yet I do because I cannot help this fear and sadness inside me than to tell the two people I know will understand me most. Not to mention Shu as well, you've been a duck, you darling.
I'm so afraid that when I go home I will find things changed... find myself changed to the point that I can no longer find my niche in your world... that used to be mine as well. Have I left that world forever? Is it mine to keep or do i lose it forever? My fears may be unfounded, but they are not without reason. You girls should know who's down in perth, and also know who's not been nice about my visit. I shan't push it, I know when I'm not wanted. He doesn't bother me, it's rather the disillusionment that is astonishingly cutting.
Other than that I find myself trying to fit into fast growing shoes with shock that was rather unforseen. Perhaps it is selfishness, that I have not seen what is required of me, or sloth, that I have not tried to push myself in areas that I should. Perhaps, ignorance really is bliss, yet it's effects are devastating. Sifting through the debris, I pause to note that Rachel and I both have Lydia in out MSN pic. I like that, it gives me a sense of togetherness even though i am stranded.
I have no means to explain my feelings now, only that they no longer overwhelm me, but leave me in a drained, calm state; water let out of a phishbowl, perhaps. (Phish, objections on the tagboard should you wish to resist the analogy) I find myself in the calmness of dispair, knowing that while I do grieve the loss of contact with you in so many ways, I will see you in so much longer than I should wish and for so short a time that I should protest. But forever is yet too short for us. Solamente tu. Best friends forever!!
Tears, do they hold any worth for me? I find them exceedingly inconvenient, along with the heaving convulsions they bring, aka, sobbing. Do I know what it means to be at the end of my teeter? If I don't know now, I have no wish to come any closer to knowing. I find myself going slowly crazy, this place having become something like the mad journals of a psychopath as they document their daily life as normal. The sinister thought that my writings have deteriorated to such a point makes me want to cry out, to protest, to say I'll be back to normal soon, but I have no wish of false hope, and I tell my fears frankly here.
Perhaps I have a better understanding of what it means, after all, to be pushed so far. I've met people like this, and till now, have had nary a nod of sympathy for them, owing to great ignorance and also lack of understanding. I wonder now if their slight misdemeanours are justified, and find myself looking at them the way I feel people see me. Perhaps, dearest(s), you never saw me in such a dissarray, and my dismay has never heightened to this feverish point. But I suppose that there's a first time for everything and you may be sure that I will live well and truly through this. It's temporary. And I will make it, because of God. Perhaps that should be spelt L-O-V-E or H-O-P-E, but no matter, He is all I need right now.
My solace, light and salvation. Secret keeper, best friend, king of kings and Lord of Lords, wonderful saviours, merciful father, refuge, strong tower, magnificent great I AM.
[The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing] [Zeph 4:17]
Oh ya, TiMmAyee, thanks so much for being an annoying little brother.
The sadness that wells up just cries to be supressed and expressed... such a contradiction. you can't do both at once, can you?
Dearest(s), I'm afraid to write here, because I know you both worry, and yet I do because I cannot help this fear and sadness inside me than to tell the two people I know will understand me most. Not to mention Shu as well, you've been a duck, you darling.
I'm so afraid that when I go home I will find things changed... find myself changed to the point that I can no longer find my niche in your world... that used to be mine as well. Have I left that world forever? Is it mine to keep or do i lose it forever? My fears may be unfounded, but they are not without reason. You girls should know who's down in perth, and also know who's not been nice about my visit. I shan't push it, I know when I'm not wanted. He doesn't bother me, it's rather the disillusionment that is astonishingly cutting.
Other than that I find myself trying to fit into fast growing shoes with shock that was rather unforseen. Perhaps it is selfishness, that I have not seen what is required of me, or sloth, that I have not tried to push myself in areas that I should. Perhaps, ignorance really is bliss, yet it's effects are devastating. Sifting through the debris, I pause to note that Rachel and I both have Lydia in out MSN pic. I like that, it gives me a sense of togetherness even though i am stranded.
I have no means to explain my feelings now, only that they no longer overwhelm me, but leave me in a drained, calm state; water let out of a phishbowl, perhaps. (Phish, objections on the tagboard should you wish to resist the analogy) I find myself in the calmness of dispair, knowing that while I do grieve the loss of contact with you in so many ways, I will see you in so much longer than I should wish and for so short a time that I should protest. But forever is yet too short for us. Solamente tu. Best friends forever!!
Tears, do they hold any worth for me? I find them exceedingly inconvenient, along with the heaving convulsions they bring, aka, sobbing. Do I know what it means to be at the end of my teeter? If I don't know now, I have no wish to come any closer to knowing. I find myself going slowly crazy, this place having become something like the mad journals of a psychopath as they document their daily life as normal. The sinister thought that my writings have deteriorated to such a point makes me want to cry out, to protest, to say I'll be back to normal soon, but I have no wish of false hope, and I tell my fears frankly here.
Perhaps I have a better understanding of what it means, after all, to be pushed so far. I've met people like this, and till now, have had nary a nod of sympathy for them, owing to great ignorance and also lack of understanding. I wonder now if their slight misdemeanours are justified, and find myself looking at them the way I feel people see me. Perhaps, dearest(s), you never saw me in such a dissarray, and my dismay has never heightened to this feverish point. But I suppose that there's a first time for everything and you may be sure that I will live well and truly through this. It's temporary. And I will make it, because of God. Perhaps that should be spelt L-O-V-E or H-O-P-E, but no matter, He is all I need right now.
My solace, light and salvation. Secret keeper, best friend, king of kings and Lord of Lords, wonderful saviours, merciful father, refuge, strong tower, magnificent great I AM.
[The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing] [Zeph 4:17]
Oh ya, TiMmAyee, thanks so much for being an annoying little brother.
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