*-[Drowning in a Sea of Madness]`+

So I said I was going to sleep. So I lied. So sue me.

I'm going to sort out everything. At 1.45 am. I don't care... I am going to have EVERYTHING straight right now. RIGHT NOW. I've been avoiding him.. My bible's been in the same place for a while now. My journal's not filling up. I tell myself I don't have time but the truth is, I don't make time. I hate writing out the horrible truth but hey, he already know it. He knows I'm angry. He knows I'm too stubborn and proud to do things his way.. I've already grieved him and might as well admit it. Do me good. Or as the primary school children say, "Ore Biiie Gooout". Things have been spiralling down so fast. I've avoided him since Sunday, and it's only Thursday and I'm already in this stage. The I don't want to hear you stage, the "lalala I can't hear you stage"... And I hate it. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I know i love him to bits and I LIVE for him.. so why would I want to do this to him? My human nature.. my carnal MEness.... Would it cost you so much to say to him a simple sincere "I'm sorry"? Would it be so hard? Would it be so difficult to do the single thing that gives me the most happiness in this world- knowing Him and spending time with Him? The irony and paradoxes of life never cease to amaze me.

Father, I know you love me and I'm so sorry for acting like you don't matter when nothing else can ever matter.. I just wanna walk straight with you, wanna love you like crazy.. and I wish this world wouldn't distract me as much as it does. Already you've captured my attention, already you've paid that debt I can't put a price on. Already that blood was shed for my redemption before I asked. There is no condemnation that comes from you and I'm not going to take it any more. No one is going to tell me that I'm wrong, or ugly, or fat or pathetic... or anymore rubbishy things. I'm going to come back and take that place I used to take- knelt in front of you... praising, worshipping.. nothing makes me happier than when I'm worshipping...

Remember that picture of the little beggar girl before a king? Well I'm that girl now and I want to come running, knowing your acceptance is there. Ps Benny said that when you dunno which button to press, press the 'mercy' button...here goes.....

I put my confidence in the Lord Jesus Christ, who has promised never to leave me nor forsake me, who has solved my problems even before I've had them, who's led me back to the path even before I've strayed because he's all knowing.. because he's sovereign. And I trust that he will find a way to make my paths straight and my way smooth, and that I may serve him wholeheartedly and fully just to make him Smile.

I can't deny that my God is an AWESOME God and that He's the one who will see me through it all. The only reason I was ever down and out was because I was too stubborn to go to Him.. but now i just want to Love Him.. there's nothing better than doing that.. there's all the joy in the world just doing that... So simple, yet nothing's more fufilling. I was Made to Praise Him.

[I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross.]

[Dancing for you always... DaDdiE!]