[Slow Mo-*zoooom*]

Yeah, so I finally had the chance to move in slow motion today: I went to drop off my books at the library. It's been the first time in days, since Thursday to be exact... Took a nice slow walk to the car with Language Development and Language Disorders (Bloom and Lahey, 1978) and I could almost cry. So I got back into fast mode.

And although I was madly raving about my finished assignment, I actually hadn't.. because I had to edit everything this morning. I'm getting so tired of this; why is my only solace becoming study and Him? Since when did study come into the picture? It's pushing Him out of it: I study to keep my mind off things I can't handle, and I look to a piece of scrap metal with junk parts to keep me sane? Oh dear God, the vices the devil can use...so sneaky.. and yeah, it IS my own fault I've been so tired and insanely antisocial... I guess I am a perfectionist just like my ma said.. I guess I shouldn't keep asking for these scores.. but dear God.. you've given them to me before, many many times, and you've promised to be faithful even when I am faithless [2 Tim 2: 11-13]... I just can't seem to settle for less, can't seem to let it go... Have I really lost it? I've come to the point where I am willing to forgo a social life, food and sleep just to finish all the work I have. Since when did work become so important? Dear God, I'm just shaking in my boots here...I know you're in control because if you weren't, there were many times in the last few days when I would have just fallen apart.. I see your hand in my life, so I'm going to trust you and let that be that ok? (So easy to say type.. so hard to do...)

You know how people go into that weird mode when they're stressed?? Like how some of us revert to childhood to escape from studying temporarily? And start reading Enid Blyton? I think I've discovered an alternative form. I've begun to crave music that I associate with Lydia and Rachel... For Lydia it's stacie orrico.. because I played it so much in my room in Singapore and somehow memories always come with that CD... and for Rach it's obviously Christina Aguilera! It's like comfort music to me.. I did it unconsciously for a while, but I've begun to realise that I run back to the familiar for comfort. And that is SO bad. I remember a conversation with Jon that I had about this. And he was sufficiently harsh with love (which is not easy to be and I like his being so; He's one of the few who have been genuine about it) in telling me that I cannot look back! Cannot! Cannot be the Israelites who wanted to go back to Egypt, cannot be Lot's wife... Cannot be a salty pillar.. So true. So hard.

Been getting flashbacks again.. My house, Lydia, Rachel, Joanne, LC, Melvin, Gramps, ZX, 4C, tuition, humidity, MRTs, Buses, Calvary AOG, roads, pathways, Booya, routes, AHS, TM, Eastpoint, Prom, Camp, leaving, phones, ringtones, school uniform, Dates, events, people, clothes, smells. It's funny how when I get flashbacks I seem to lose the memory after a while, then it hurts less and less.. maybe it's God's way of helping me let go? Am I the only one who thinks of home? Who wants the old times back? Feel so odd now...

Ok, so I know I'm ranting. I suppose when all this is over and I read this 5 years down I shall be disgusted at myself, but there's no point lying to myself that I was all that organised and zoomed through uni like it was primary school. But as Josh says, some things are better left un-remembered.

I thought about it today: I've learnt to retreat, and it's become a reflex I've trained since last year when I came. In Singapore, whenever anything was wrong, I would talk to someone about it.. In Perth, more and more I've just shut up about it. More and more, that smiley face, that thickened facade appears, stiff and drippy, and although I hate it, it makes me feel safe. Perhaps it's only because i haven't felt secure enough to let down my guard except with one or two people... but then again, there's nothing like my two babes, Jo, Josh, Deb, Mandy, Melvin and Gramps, you know?? There's no denying: you all are IRREPLACABLE...

[Mercies New][Nichole Nordeman]

Is it fair to say I was lured away?

By endless distractions and lovelier attractions then

Or fairer still, my own free will

Is the better one to blame for this familiar mess

I've made again

So I would understand if You were out of patience

And I would understand if I was out of chances

Your mercies are new every morning

So let me wake with the dawn

When the music is through or so it seems to be

Let me sing a new song, old things gone

Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

The distance left between East and West

Is how far You would go to forget the debt I'd owe

And thrown into the sea, the wicked ways in me

Will never have a chance to wash back on the sand

So I would understand if You would make me pay

I would understand lying in the bed I made again

Your mercies are new every morning

So let me wake with the dawn

When the music is through or so it seems to be

Let me sing a new song, old things gone

Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

Up comes the sun on every one of us

Gone, gone, gone the guilt and shame that knew Your name

Your mercies are new every morning

So let me wake with the dawn

When the music is through or so it seems to be

Let me sing a new song, old things gone

Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

[Secret Keeper, Molder of my dreams, I love you...]