Sunday, August 28, 2005

*-[kimi wa dare?]`+


I feel like I know you. Or is it just the way you are? Are you like that to everyone? How come I haven't noticed it. I feel like you could be *e**i* all grown up. It's as if I'm meeting *e**i* all grown up~! Maybe he will be just like you when he grows up. After all, it is a pretty huge age gap... haha... do you know that I'm not what you think I am? What will you say when you see the real me? haha, maybe you don't want to know.. I may never want to show you. =) but yeah.. this feels.. strange. And I feel so... drawn into it.. but yet I try not to play with matches. So... help me stay away~!!!!


tra la la, tra la la.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

*-[Love love love love]`+


I know I haven't been around for a while, but I haven't gotten bored of blogging.. it's just that I've been so busy and sick at the same time I haven't had much time on the computer. Lydia calls me the 'Elusive Cheesie', as if I go slinking around or something. well, yeah, it sure does seem like it.


Much has transpired in the past few days (which feel terribly much like weeks) and I don't know quite where to start. Perhaps the question is: where did I leave off? Well, if anything I shall proclaim some unimportant news! Wonka has produced the very poetic "whipple scrumptious caramel delight" (although I think it was fudgemallow in the book) and I tried one today! tee hee. It wasn't up to standard, or was that Roald Dahl's imagination playing in my head? Susu remarked between bites of her peanut butter kit kat that her chocolate's packing was much better. I had to agree. Perhaps it was Johnny Depp's features that came to mind that made the chocolate seem... bland. His face is the only interesting I've seen in the library for the past few days.


Speaking of which I am proud to announce that I have been in the library every night for quite a few nights in a row! Work has been piling up and I am feeling the push... especially for the detestable subject of biology. I met Lou there today and she showed me some "facts" that her 8 yr old pupils in the school she was teaching at had written. They were all about lungs. Fact file 411: Lungs~! Tee hee.


Lungs have blud cells.

Lungs produce air.

When you cough your lungs hit each other


everyone has 2 lungs


Without lungs you will die.


And they asked some questions too~!:

What are lungs?

How do lungs produce air?

Where is the gap between lungs and the air outside?

How does cancer get in the lungs?

What are lungs made of?


I was laughing so hard in the library.. at 9.30 pm! fortunately there were few people there other than Lou, Ellie and I. Kids are cute! I got my first "boyfriend" on Sunday.. He's 4 years old and a bundle of pure CUTENESS!!! When asked if I could be his girlfriend, he turned shy and thought about it for a long time before going, "oookaaee". Then he said, "no, I don't want." So yeah, in a span of 6.898 seconds we had already broken up. Booo. He's really popular with the girls too! hahaha.


In other news I sewed jeans for a friend and I am so afraid that they are badly done and that he will keeeeeeel me. But hey, I didn't charge so don't complain. Please? If you like u can go and unpick it. hahhaa. Not like u have this addy anyway. nyah.


*-[He LOVES me]`+


I hitched a ride home in daddy's car and we had a conversation (well, mostly me squealing) that I shall not forget... come to think of it, it certainly has an important intrinsic meaning that I want to relate here.


Daddy: "I'm going to pump petrol."

Me: " ok.. where?"

Daddy: " Robson way."

Me: " that's caltex right?"

Daddy: "no, I don't think so."

Me: " then what? BP?"

Daddy: "I don't know.. maybe."

Me: "I think it is caltex"

Daddy: "wanna wager?"

*evil grin and squealing throughout the rest of the traffic lights as we negotiate terms and conditions*


In the end, I had wagered him buying me a car, and the squealing heightened as we neared the station (I had a lot at stake).. and I realised that it was a Caltex station! So I started squealing for a totally different reason: I was getting a car! Daddy had that quiet grin on his face. I was like, " really ah? really?" And I noticed a glimmer in his eye that only a father could have.


[Matthew 7: 9-11] "Which of you, when his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"


I saw that glint in my dad's eyes and I knew that he had already planned much for me.. planned to give me much, planned to give up much for me! For 3 seconds I saw how much he really loved me... Saw a man who would cry for me, be stripped of pride for me, and realised that I did not comprehend enough... did not love enough to give back as much as he gave, and I realised that more than that, Jesus gave so much to me and seeks to give me yet more! And as Matthew says, if an earthly father knows how to give good gifts, what more our heavenly father! My father made it such that I would be gleeful in thinking that I had squeezed a car out of him when in fact it was his joy to give, and his joy to give me more joy in thinking i had been clever. Oh true love... And if my father loves me this much, what more God? What more my Lord and my savior jesus? All I have to do is ask! So ask ask ask and you will receive! He loves it when we talk to him and ask him! Oh joy.. He loves me!


Siiigh.. I have important stuff to attend to here.. and I must have been blind!! MANDY TEH! I MISS YOU AND I AM THINKING OF YOU BABE! I am so so sorry that I haven't been checking my friendster.. hey babe if u're reading this pls tag me... and let me know your blog add again! I lost it! (haha sorrriiiiiiiiie babe!) but hey girl.. you are VERY VERY special to me yeah, and you are one babe I can count on for talk on the utmost intimate level of our heavenly father! I will never forget the encouragement u are to me.. so yeah~! I LOVE YOU MANDY! or shall i say.. tommie~!!!! tee hee. Rugrats.. sigh. miss you. miss Sg. miss everyone.


Got a call for emily and I almost cried in the Library... she told me that I could call Grant's phone and hear his voice on the voice mail.. I told her I would see her next week, but it breaks my heart to see her like this and also to remember granty... grant... I miss you dear. I really do.


Also to Rachie who has reccommeded a good book, thanks dearie! I shall pursue! foward march!!!! I love u always and I miss u!!!! Thanks for protecting me from devious deviants who are horny perverts! And Lydia.. who has been online once in blue moon and called me elusive cheesie... I miss u too!


And Lou... thanks so much dear you have been an amazing source of support! And not forgetting Melly~! tee hee. Modish Miss is up and coming I say! *sigh* I am So Blessed.


[You make me wanna be brave.. Jesus!]

Friday, August 19, 2005

.Ecstacy Pills.


Maybe I'm a little high but I've really been over observant in the past few hours. It's been a painful experience and more than once I've felt like I was going to break and give up. But I kept up my front and hid behind the stove while I washed the dishes instead. Thank God for roasted red beans. Thank God for understanding cellies. And I hope the only burn victim will swiftly recover after being soaked in water overnight. Being a pot, we didn't rush to hospital. Oh man, I am rambling AND getting lame.This is so not good.


.Hikikomori.


Some things you learn in the rain. Some things you learn with a little pain.

The reflex action of withdrawing from social contact is an exaggerated phenomenon in Japan, but I begin to recognise it in my own life. In the little things and the little nudges that people give you. When things begin to happen, even the most irrational twitch of someone else's head annoys you. Your paranoia plays out like a dream and you start to feel a strange pain in some part of you that you can't put a finger on. Your emotions run wild, your vision blurs and for some reason, you want to cry. Like a cornered animal you balk, but outwardly you're calm as a cucumber. What is it? you ask. What is it that makes you so completely irrational that you cannot even keep your head level in a purely social situation? I identify with the crazy rebellious teens who become hikikomori but the only difference there is lies in a decision. A choice. I suppose they chose to go into seclusion. I suppose I choose to live my life as boldly as I can. I suppose that one day the choice might present itself to me again. I suppose I'll figure it out as I go.


I realise I am not making sense. I also realise that when I look back on this I will wonder what in the world was going through my head. And I also realise that it is perfectly okae to be stressed sometimes and perfectly okae to show it. So RAR RAR to anyone who looks at me funny. I am not crazy. Maybe just high on fear?

[hide behind the burned red beans]

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

.JADED.


I am so jaded that I feel like swearing but I won't. This makes it even more apparant that ever: I have to stand alone and stand strong. There are things that I have forgotten and so I shall remind myself of these things now.


1. You tolerate certain things and certain people. They may not tolerate you.

2.You lean on certain people and certain things. Chairs break, you know.

3. You think someone knows you and knows better but you really should know better.

4. Stop crying and stop being such a baby.

5. When the world gets tough, you have to get tough too.

6. Sometimes things happen. Get OVER it.


[so alone, so jaded...]

Saturday, August 13, 2005

.So Alone.

Right now I feel So Alone. This feeling has come out of various circumstances which have contrived to place me in certain isolation, whether by choice or by force. But, nevertheless, I feel... lost, alone, and sad. I'm losing sight of that purpose...

[God, don't let me drown, I CAN'T afford to go down like this!]

Friday, August 12, 2005

'I'm Not in Love Anymore'



kanashii nee...



The pendant was large, too large for my taste, but I hardly had time to notice it in great detail. It was the hands of the old lady handling it that I saw, the wrinkled hands grey with time. Light bounced off the pink glass as she turned the pendant from side to side, inspecting it. Her back was turned toward me a little, and I noticed that her hair was exceedingly white. A change of posture, and as she faced me, she fiddled restlessly with the pendant. "Isn't this nice? It's a nice pendant, no?" I smiled assent and nodded, wondering what I should say. I was about to leave, when suddenly she turned toward me again and drew herself across the space that separated us until she was painfully close in proximity. She looked at me closely, and I could almost smell her. Our eyes met, and in a moment of shock I read the restless pain in her eyes that did not focus steadily on me. "I'm not in love anymore" she said, slowly and heavily, her accent thick and unforgiving. She looked at the pendant once more and repeated herself more loudly, "I'm not in love anymore!"


What was I to say, or do? Was that a good thing, or not? Should I nod, smile, or look somewhere else? All I said was, "Ok" for lack of a better word. I watched her walk out of the store, alone, and I had a feeling that although age had gotten the better of her, so had emotion. The incident came to mind a few more times that day, and in secret empathy, I wish this woman well in her life, and I hope there will be people to take care of her and love her.



[owari..ka? Kiraikara...]



"Memory is insubstantial. Things keep replacing it. Your batch of snapshots will both fix and ruin your memory. You can't remember anything from your trip except the wretched collection of snapshots."

-Anne Dillard, "To fashion a text" 1988



I don't like that. I don't like it at all. Memory is the topic of interest today because I have to do a chapter's reading on it, and I've discovered Anne Dillard and ceased to be fond of her in any way. Is this what my memory is? A collection of warped and crumpled photographs? Have I distorted my memory to help me remember only what I love? Is that why Singapore becomes more and more of a perfect place as the months pass? This wretched thing, this wretched woman...



[So Jaded.]


Tuesday, August 09, 2005

19:19

I've done 19 hours and 19 minutes of driving. That means I have 5 hours and 39 minutes left. I'm getting there~!



What does the month of August hold for mine own dear heart? A quick consultation with the all important organiser reveals the following harrowing results:


1. Psych Test on the 19th

2. Bio test on the 23rd.

3. buy SPSS (statistics program) so I can afford to throw my math out the window.

4. EMAIL KRISTY! I have been rendered tutorialess due to the evils of the counter-lady in building 404. She wouldn't let me put my name down for a tutorial! Grr to you too m'am.

5. Go shopping to do a price check on items such as chocolate, dessicated coconut and RUM.


6. Don't spend all the money I have on me. What am I saving up for, though... I can't remember.

7. Get pictures from Christmas in July from Marky! What shall I bribe him with?

8. Decide whether I should skip out on Friday's lecture.

9. Jump up and down to keep warm.

10. Decipher the mysterious code of hormones, chemical classes, interactions, factors and histology. oh Joy. I mean, Joy. err. you know.


This is pathetiiiic... I hate biology now. It's so ironic that they require us to print 30 over pages per lecture and they're supposed to know more about trees than anyone else in the health science faculty. Not to mention bobi, who I find unintelligible. He's a nice man, I think. If he doesn't do lectures. -_-"

Sunday, August 07, 2005

[Namida]

Ima, chotto kanashii... naze? wakaranai deshou... moshi...omoi wa mechamecha. Omoide wa takusan, moshi mecha takusan. tokidoki, watashi wa jishin ga rosuto... dakara, tomodachi to kazoku wa chuuppara.

Ittekimasu.

[watashi no kokoro...]

Friday, August 05, 2005

.StarDust.



I see stardust! Well... I'm pretty much on cloud nine, so stardust shouldn't be too far away from there, right? hehehe...


Hyaaa... I met someone today. And that someone ALWAYS happens to impact my life in a very substantial way when we meet! God has an amazing way of using this person to tell me things, and today's lesson was perhaps the most impactful. I think that I walked away from today's rendezvous thinking I had not gained much other than a friendly catching-up, but once again I was gladly proved wrong as a song by Joy Williams played on the radio on my way home and I began to realise what God had done to unconsciously use this person to show me.


[Hide- Joy Williams]
To anyone who hides behind a smile

To anyone who holds their pain inside

To anyone who thinks they're not good enough

To anyone who feels unworthy of love

To anyone who ever closed the door

Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide

You don't have to hide anymore

You don't have to face this on your own

You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are

To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars

To anyone who's ever made a big mistake

We've all been there, so don't be ashamed

Come out, come out and join the rest of us

You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands

Come to the One with scars on His hands

'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been

His scars will heal you if you let Him

Wonder why the word 'scars' have a very significant meaning to me? But today was very very very significant in many ways as God showed me what acceptance of myself meant. Even if it means a white laced size 10 dress. And non-matching bra straps. haha. I love complete acceptance! And that is what God gives to me!!!!



[Praise the Lord with all my heart]

[Your embrace- I see stardust?]