TO RACHEL! COS I LOVE YOU, I KISS YOU THROUGH THE PHONE!!!! MWAH MWAH MWAH.

Baby u kno that I miss u
I wanna get wit chu
Tonight but I can't now
Baby girl and that's the issue
Girl u kno I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can't rite now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u lata on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u when I get home)

Baby I kno that u like me
U my future wifey
Souljaboytellem
Yeah u can be my boonie
I can be ya clyde
U can be my wife
Text me, call me
I need u in my life
Yea all day
Everyday I need ya
And eveytime I see ya
My feelings gets deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss ya
But I can't
678 triple 9 8212

Baby u kno that I miss u
I wanna get wit chu
Tonight but I can't now
Baby girl and that's the issue
Girl u kno I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can't rite now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u lata on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u when I get home)

Baby I've been thinkin
Lately so much about u
Everything about u
I like it, I love it
Kissing u in public
Thinking nothing of it
Roses by the dozen
Talkin on da phone
Baby u so sexy
Ya voice is so lovely
I love ya complexion
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss ya
But I can't
678 triple 9 8212
Baby u kno that I miss u
I wanna get wit chu
Tonight but I can't
Now baby girl and that's the issue
Girl u kno I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can't rite now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u lata on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u when I get home)

She call my phone like da (20x)
We on da phone like da (20x)
We takin pics like da (20x)
She dial my numba like da (10x)
678 triple 9 8212

Baby u kno that I miss u
I wanna get wit chu
Tonight but I can't
Baby girl and that's the issue
Girl u kno I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can't rite now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u lata on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(I see u when I get home)

Dragon Days

I'm gonna cut his hair again. I've watched about 10 videos (all a minute or so plus) and I'm ready to go all out with the progressive, semi-mod look. Will it be even? Will it even be? We shall see. I wonder if my modern punk dream will come true.

It's hard to think of reasons to be. It's hard to think even of how to be, or why. I'm still struggling with the idea of enjoying life. Calvin and Hobbes' bittersweet enunciations are increasingly ideas I can relate to. 

---

What do you really want to be? What do you want to do in life, aspire to, will sacrifice for? My answer is nothing much. Passivity is my snare. I find little joys- my sewing, music making, painting, my sweet loving, my being saintly loved. They are all to some small degree refreshing. But nothing empassions me. I am not shocked, hungered, engorged, inflammed. I am inspired, comment-ful, the watcher-onlooker of life. I live it some, much of it passes me by.

What would it be like to be constantly enamoured by some aspect of life? What does God think about enjoying life, about getting married, about living the little mundane bits? I don't want KPIs for these things. I want to know what He really thinks.

---

I am drinking the last of the lambrusco. It is a sweet with a dry edge, and it reminds me of the more simple, senseless conversations I have had over wine. Choya and DOM undo me altogether and I become sleepy very quickly. I much prefer these (and fortified shiraz) to the pretentious Merlots.

---

Some days it looks better. For the most part, they follow the same rise and fall of petrol prices, but at a staggered timing. Friday evenings are marked by serotonin highs, followed by lucious Saturdays and slightly sordid sundays (reserved for pooing about monday). Mondays the blues peak, followed by stoic acceptance lasting throughout the week (fine and steady, a-haul) till Sunday.

I try not to fear. Rarr.

---

Thanks Ruddy

Dennis and my parents have got the $900 from Kevin. Now that he has given us such a huge sum of money, we deserve to be able to be on some kind of first name basis. After all, he does seem interested in getting into our good books.

I haven't got my $900 yet.. but when I do.. I don't intend for it to go anywhere for now. Heh heh.

In other news, I bought a sexy one piece jumpsuit, the black woman kind, the slinky clubbing, bareback kind. And Dennis and I had an interesting discussion yesterday that was quite liberating. (:

one piece

one piece

Metronomy says:

the fact is that life is boring and mundane. the truth is that, it could be ALOT worse. 

Metronomy says:

God's truth is that, life would be neither good nor bad, but absolutely meaningless without Him. 

[sare] the special word is 'help!' says:

I know what I want now.

Metronomy says:

what do you want? 

[sare] the special word is 'help!' says:

I want to be one of those courageous, ridiculously optimistic, wise, passionate, internally strong people who love all the things about life, every bit, every boring, pointless, exciting, painful bit of it

I struggle for purpose.

Please, if you have any idea, let me know...

What do working people work for?

---

Wonder if I am a bit bonkers (or very) for bouncing up and down between being ok and then not.. is this normal of everyone? Do I need to see a doctor?

Miss Singapore a lot lately. I felt so bad coming out of the office from work today at 6.30- everything was dark, empty, locked, lonely. I thought to myself that in Singapore, I would not be the last to leave and that even if I was, everyone else would be shopping, going home, meeting friends... doing life openly and not behind closed doors like they had some secret to hide (whether it be pumpkin muffins or broken chairs).

Today I documented in succinct style the contents of the day- boring as, for a journal type thing, but I am interested to know how much time I take to do what. I want to know my habits. I could even perform statistical analyses on this! (Why don't people just pay me to know about me?)

---

Had my second poor fitful dream about work. I don't know if I have gotten more stressed lately. I will speak to my supervisor at our meeting tomorrow about performance. I have no real means of measuring where I am, which can be really difficult.

---

Dennis' ambition is to be a good husband, father and pastor. My ambition is to be a ?good ?wife, ?mother, and ????????. I feel so much less stable- question marks are punctuation you can slide off easily and hurt yourself on. What do I really want to be/do. I have no idea at all in the whole wide world. If I said I want to serve God, Love Him and praise Him all my days.. how does that transpire? No one will pay me to live in a church and sing praise all day- I still have to work and earn and worry about Mortgage and life and marriage etc. It's so much harder to do life God's way when I am so human.

---

I wonder if there are forums for people like me.. early working life/ quarter life crisis/ seemingly happy then sad then happy.

---

I sewed Dennis a wallet which he professes to like very much. I love that dear old boy so much. When I really think about this whole lethargy of life purpose, I realise that I do want to marry him. Even if it means logistics, brussel sprouts, and silly man-ness. I realise that one of the things that really motivates me to earn is my wedding. (even though it doesn't really motivate me in a happy way- it's something I want but the means to the end isn't necessarily pleasant/unpleasant.. Or else I would be jumping off the walls a lot more. hurhur).

---

Maybe I just need to accept that life just IS. That this IS life. That's just it- life. life life life. alive life. find a life, get one. Buy one, steal one, twist an arm for one. I need to love it, love life.

Refill

I've been strangely fulfilled since Monday- the day I took flexi but was actually sick. It was the day I finished Brennan Manning's book and accepted a lot of the grace-truths I had struggled with previously. Life's been so peaceful these past few days, filled with apron making, running, eating and preparing nice food, sleeping... and inspite of all these things I love, I've experienced some not so great stuff.. and have come out still feeling happy and peaceful!

It's perfectly true that peace really doesn't depend on the circumstance and I am just so over-relieved at this moment because it is something I've wanted so badly and have not had for so long. I'm so in love all over again, with Him in the little things, with Him in this world, and most of all, with Him in me. Suddenly the things I do have meaning to me.

While it isn't that I haven't had my heart broken twice in these three days.. I simply don't feel as shit about things as I would have previously. I suppose my joy may come across as grating, I simply do not want to phrase my words other than how they alight from my mind- i make no apologies for His providence in my life.

XXX has contacted me to say he is now engaged. I admit I was a little smug because I was engaged since the start of this year and just didn't bother to say anything to him... Then I was annoyed because now I will have to reply the sms/msn (he sent TWO). Hope he doesn't read here.

Major love for earl grey tea. Very calming and happily vintage. Fits right into my apron sewing. When I am finished with my second apron, I shall try to post some pictures up. The first one is a vintage half apron with lace finishings, and this second one is a vintage bib apron with lacing as well. (: I AM HAPPY WITH MY APRONSSSS!

Contrary to popular belief, I have not been too air-headed lately. My thoughts have amassed nicely, but I have not had time to amuse myself with them. Working life does funky things to your mind.

I still contantly wonder where this is all going- whether I will continue in this job, jump some sort of imaginary ship and swim with imaginary sharks, speak pirate english all my life, or turn into a real nerd-geek, complete with all 'the big bang theory' episodes and spending my weekend cash on laserquest.

It's not the worry concerning life direction that is a pending disaster, it's my inability to enjoy life one day at a time. I get tired of things so easily these days. I wonder if I've simply burnt out from uni? Like a patient with her psychologist, I lay in bed last night and decided to give life another go with more gusto. 

I shiver to think that this all sounds terribly earnest and innocently hopeful. Should I put up a mask as my disclaimer? I love being sarcastic and ragging the value of life. There, that should hold the cynics off for a while.

I did think about some things on the visits I made today. Enjoying a family life and having a home is one of the staples in contentment for some families. It doesn't matter if the child has a disability- lots of love still makes the world go round. And you would be surprised- it does.

On the other hand, playing the blame game doesn't help matters. The manly testosteroness nearly busted out of his veins as he screamed at his wife that she had made a mistake and now he had to fix it. Ouch!

Bubu and the bunch are headed home tomorrow. They are lovely boys and not a day too young.