Oh you people.
I'm pissed.
I don't know when or how,
But if you don't drive me insane one day
It will only be God's grace.
I trust on in the grace of God.
I believe that one incident after another,
will not pass unscathed.
But myself- I will let kneel first then.
God, teach me not to judge.
Teach me to back down even when it doesn't look pretty.

Subscript(ion)

Go, with a lightness in your step
and a song in your heart.
Paint for all you love and hate in the world.
Sleep, when sweet, is delightful.
God, dear God, be great and small,
all that you are is dear.

Remember to lose luxury

1. Today has enough troubles of its own. When it becomes too hard, just live a day at a time, a moment at a time, a second at a time. When the luxury of planning is forgone, remember that it is simply that- a luxury. It's not necessary when you lover/father/king/friend holds the master blueprints.
2. Trust God. Not His word, His ways, His works, His direction, or even His attributes. Trust simply Him. There is a difference- putting trust in His direction is a luxury, putting trust in Him is a sign that He desires intimacy, and that I must try to give it.
3. Desire to survive/live. That is all it takes. I don't need to have the strength to survive, I don't need to feel capable- that is the luxury. I need to know why I can still breathe- I must remember all that is required is an SOS, the strength is His to give. "help me" is the truth. Joy brings untold amounts of strength and He is my joy. I am the child who learnt to ride a bike while He pushed me in balance this whole time and I didn't know it. Now that I know how to hurt myself, I insult Him by suddenly realising that He is steering me, and that I am not sure whether it is ok when He has been doing so for more than 20 years.

The luxuries must die
I must choose my priorities.
Him, or me.
That's always hard isn't it?
Paul struggled with that too

But big girls don't cry.

Daddy, elbow healer, secret keeper.
I will be still and know that you are God.

---

Habakkuk 3:16

"I heard and my heart pounded, my lips quivered at the sound; decay crept into my bones, and my legs trembled. Yet I wait patiently for the day of calamity to come on the nation invading us."

Habakkuk 3:19

"The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places"

The seeds of an overcoming life are found in today's victories.
Let not my prayer be "Let me be such and such"
But rather "Give me today my daily bread."

Matt 6:34 speaks of tomorrow's salvation coming tomorrow.

He spoke to me twice about the same thing and in such a clear and tender way.
He is the God who shook the earth, made mountains crumble, nations tremble.
Habakkuk asks, "Were you angry with the rivers, O Lord?"
"Was your wrath against the seas?"
So how come I can be friends with such a God?
How come I am unafraid?
Then in the same way,
I cannot be afraid of man.
What can man do to me?
What can God do to me?

Fear God, not man.

Thank you, father.
No words can explain you.

veni, vidi, visa.

Rachel is a genius!
And that is exactly what I did yesterday at the sales.
Except the visa was papa's.

Bomberman

corner yourself
Life corners you.
Pandora's box opens.
You didn't even know you had the key.
But it's not that.
It was due soon anyway.
I have to deal with this sooner or later.
It would be easier if I knew what this was.

No one knows what this is.
I don't know.
You can try helping me.
But you don't know either, do you?
There's a psych name for it but it doesn't fit.
They label symptoms, not causes.

Would you love me if I turned out to be manic depressive?
uhhhhh...
maybe.

Nothing's normal anymore.

I know how Rachel feels.

The agony of sleep is more than I can bear.

I'm scared too.

And I feel like i'm a wreck because I have burnt fingers, not much sleep, not much to eat and the flu etc.

Although I try to move from comfort, I'm still human. I want it.

And inside, I'm actually quite worried about my pookins. I just don't want you to feel like hell. I wish I was there. I wish I wasn't so screwed up physically.

I don't want to work tomorrow.

First?
First and last?

it's boxing day and once again this familiar voice I've loved for years lights up my life.

ch-ch-check it out.

To not have to carry this weight with me would be nice.

Post

How unexciting. It's the day after. I am still the mucus factory, trying not to expand trade and become the entreupreneur for other similar businesses in the vicinity. I lovingly thinking of Rachel everytime I blow my nose and my white blood cells "battle bravely". Rachel is the perfect hamster cheerleader.

God

If I'm hanging by a thick thread now, where will I be in January? Is the abbyss just a downward spiral He has to fish me out of? There is no such thing as 'die trying', right? Not yet, at least. The same test gets harder every time. It's the same with so many things in life. But thankfully, there is 2 Tim 2: 11-13. Trust Him. The feeling in my stomach isn't a nice one. Is that because I am sick?

Christmas

Yes, Christmas was warm and fuzzy. And woozy. Mandurah is a nice place. And shopping is a nice thing to do. Peter Alexander.. please don't sell out all your nice stuff, you know you want me to wear your wares.

Neutral

I'm alone here. The days I don't spend knitting I spend working. I wonder if I should be more productive but I cannot seem to find the motivation to wring out of my last weeks left something profitable. Really. Deep down inside, I'm pretty bummed out still, but so far it isn't showing. It's just that I know so.

Meeting

All the excitement of the past weeks have been played out in my mind, I was never there- only words and more words put me in a place I wanted to be. Today will be another such day. The apocalyptic meeting of the universe begins at lunch. hohoho. I'm so excited to see how this will turn out. Words, words and more words will tell me.

Oh, how I wish I was there.

Eve

I awoke with a sore throat and a needless stomach. It's Christmas eve and I am working, but that is ok. I will be tired, but more than that, I grieve that there is so much love out there, but I cannot remember how to find it. Even in the past years.

The times when I woke up and Christmas was magic are gone. Adulthood steals a precious innocence and leaves only a jaded ornament as its cynical cackles ring aloud, alone, unheard by the blindsighted and oblivious.

Mum teased me about the knitting. That dumb hole is just too obvious. "I was smarter than you when I was young, girl. Want to knit scarf for boyfriend, I asked my friend to do it!"
Dad: Yah, then it turned out this long this wide (shows tablecloth size) and I couldnt tie it around my neck.
Mum: hehe. What do expect from malaysians who have never needed scarves?

700

celebrations of sorts grace the interspersed days, the government tries to makes life eventful.

Gullible enough to pay for it, but not to eat it.

"But i ordered cheese and tomato, no ham!"

Love

• is a heart shaped tomato that is falling apart at a degenerative pace unsightly to behold.
• is a slice of heart shaped finger too
• is the impending eyebags swopped for a smaller waist
• is the sound of oxygen consumption without certainty of anything but sure of so many things.

Poverty

Architecture in Helsinki plays for the umpteenth time and i wonder if the radio station is a cd?

Purple

A bargained, cheap naturally artificial glow.

A bargained, cheap artificially natural glow.

Surprisingly, both statements are correct.

The A'mour of God

Protective love.

Babypookins

Is needs to discuss matters. =( home anytime soon?

question: whywhywhywhywhywhywhy?

*guilty*

Ten to Ten.

The air is nothing short of festive as the swing beat mischieviously tinkle-tats along every inch of the house and even the most mundane furniture is brought to life. Glitter is everywhere and in my mind I am in a giant pile of it, unafraid of being forever tainted by the shiny goodness. I take a broom to sweep it up and we swish according to the beat.

"Heaven, I'm in heaven, And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak! And I seem to find the happiness I seek, When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek." Ginger Rogers croons on and my heart dances alongside her chocolate smooth voice.

Everything my eye sees takes on a rich decadence and I revel in the newly sprouted gloriousness of things, people, worlds. No, surely I've rotated into a whole separate world. Why do I feel so rich? I don't think it can be the truffles, although I've had too many. My bank account is dangerously pathetically low.

It must be something else, something in the air. I've inherited a fortune all of a sudden.

The world belongs to me for now, for today.

Thank you for all the Birthday well wishes. (:

DOME -------------------SUBWAY.
DOME ----------- SUBWAY
DOME ------SUBWAY
DOME --SUBWAY
DOMESUBWAY
DOMSEUBWAY
DOSUMBEWAY
DSOUMBEWAY
SDUMBEWOAY

One day.

The ministry of reversal.

Change, inevitable. Rejoice!

Look

I focus on holding his hand while he irons out my life. He doesn't hold my hand while I focus on ironing out my life.

Form

I miss the air he takes up this side of life.

Question

Am I so pained that retail therapy doesn't work, or has God finally put His finger on me where He wants me to be? I hope for Him. Perfect love drives out all fear.

Little superhero girl

Indeed, the warrior is a child.

Stretching is ALWAYS beyond your means. Do you think rubber bands knew they could be pulled across a chair? But once the stretching is done, it becomes within our means. One become more useful, contrary to the rubber bands, which are rather flaccid after the experience.

---

I did not see Him but I could hear His footsteps, urgent and angry as he gushed past air, sea, mind, sight. Already zoning in and out of consciousness, I was not fully aware of my redemption until He tore the blackness off me and it began to fight with Him. I turned, relieved, but I was shocked to see how angry He was. Fury was tangible in His step, His fist almost vicious- but it was His eyes, completely aflame with indignance that startled me. I knew He would come for me, but I did not expect Him to be this angry. For me. He was angry FOR me. And for a while, the blackness seemed to have pinned Him well down, and as it reached for it's poison, I knew He had planned it all along. He spotted that vulnerable moment and pounced unmercifully, vanquishing the blackness swiftly.

Did I once think that because He is the creator God that He has afforded Himself the luxury of lording over us? That when He comes to save us time and time again, all it involves is a flick of the wrist as one does to an ant? Do I imagine that my Lord is nonchalent in the completeness of His power to the point that He undermines our weakness? No, look at what He did- He wanted us. He fought for us. We were His great reward although He had no reason to want us other than that He already was hopelessly in love with us. It is His nature, not our merit that it is so.

And that is our great fortune.

Life moves along and it trickles down the cheeks of every beautiful boy

This girl isn't mainstream material. And I think that's what makes her awesome. Check her out!

I think I need to be patient with myself.

That is a strange revelation. I have never really been patient with myself. And sometimes, that affects other people too.

I stood next to the lighthouse in the windy gray evening and hugged it.
I love lighthouses.

When it hurts, it doesn't mean God isn't working!

Maybe it's just the dreariness of everyone being away and being undermined in church.
Sigh.

PooPoo

Feeling annoyed about some of the church things. I think God is already starting to test my patience with these things and they are things He wants me to learn to deal with because every church has them. So I can't afford to be annoyed with them, or else I will be annoyed all my life.

I'm tired from drinking and working yesterday. haha. So feeling a bit off, plus the weather sucks.
Plus, I miss SG a lot.
It's one of my irritated, not comfortable, feeling like the sky shouldn't encourage my mood days. Warm fuzzys would be better.

Dear God, give me humility and patience. It's not huge things, teach me how you want me to work through them.

YOU ARE HERE

I've hit a new point in the map, I've moved and the journey is shifting. And as I lay here, motionless, helpless, orientationless, undefeated, I feel the rush of a power that is not mine, a gentle stable strength. Then a wretched gush, as if part of me has died, and over that, a soothing peace that things will turn out ok. Sovereignity. He has a right to it because of what happened in the very beginning.

Still sitting pretty with a pistol in hand.
And the warm gush of surrendered life oozes.
Butterflies rush into the atmosphere,
blood splatters in a relieved way-
cardiac arrest was the more human,
more pathetic way out.
I don't need to die on the outside.
I need to die on the inside.
Surrendered heart- no longer my pain to bear.
Die to my pride, my self, my being.
Learn not to own me.

Oh God, you are so good.
I don't know why He is so gracious.

My picture perfect family is just that: picture perfect.

And as the photograph crumbles, a worsted situation than true hedonism exists.
Disguised- scapegoated. I'm too tired to care.
Just put it down to my fault.
I don't want to argue my side of things anymore.
You can tell me I'm this that and the other
and say you didn't mean to put me down,
say it's my fault I don't love enough.
I don't know how.
I don't know how.
If i am deficient in some way,
I need help finding out where.

I am dismayed to have lived 20 years only to realise that instead of living life, I have merely experienced pre-life.

And to my shock and horror, the presentation of life is on an unsavory platter of offal, and my gut retches at the sight.

Oh, help me go through life. Oh, how ugly it may get.
You have a plan and a purpose for my life?
Then in that case, I must say,
in the wanderings of don quixote,
in the portance of basal beings,
I have no other path but yours.
Only your way looks like it will lead out of this dead life.

This dead life.
Give me hope to live again.

The Lord is Good.

I'm back in Uni for 2008
With intentions to graduate.

The Lord, He is good.

Waiting upon, waiting upon.
Answers will come soon.
Be it as it may.

My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping.

Sadness as my tears drip drab drop.

It's so hard to keep cheerful.

La Valse D'Amelie played while the translucent maroon organza swept past my face in the darkening daylight. Peace, my heart.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL!

My darling baby is all grown up and is taking sexy back by storm. Zhang Da le! *cries while waving white hanky* Snapshots of Rachelified moments, embossed forever into mind's memory.

Ain't nobody love my baby more than me.

Rock on, Girl. Take the world by storm.

In the warmth of eternity, he hugged me and kissed my forehead, and we sat in the woody summertime. I fell asleep in His peace.

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great God, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great God, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder
turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know
how many hairs are on my head
oh great God, be small enough to hear me now

And precious hark, He Is big and small enough to hear me now. Grace- His providence.

"my flesh and heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:26

-Love from Christine.

I believe that the Lord is truly speaking and speaking.

Sovereignity: Exploring New Territory


It Is Well With My Soul
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is only by His grace and sovereignity that I begin to be able to say this. Pray that I will ever hold fast to Him in this time especially.

Things must improve. They are improving.

i'm home. Picking up the pieces.
One day this will be ok.
I dont know when
But it will not last forever.
And thats worth waiting for.

in pieces.