*yawnz* annoyded. I want to go home, that's all I can say. I WANT HOME NOW. I want my babes, all of them. and I want shopping and trying to lose weight with them and talking rubbish about music, boys and anime. If I wanted the moon would you try to give it to me? Well,you who answered yes, you sicko, whoever you are, FREEZE DRY my frens and bring them to me larr, not to mention the whole of orchard as well! I am throwing the biggest tantrum here of my blogging career and i don't care. I AM JUST PLAIN OUT OF IT.

I just came back from graduation, and all I could think of the whole night was our sec 4 prom. And once you have experienced perfection, you don't settle for less. I am so.... durhz. I realise I was in mourning. I wore my black dress and I was black all over, even inside. (yes, my heart was black and my face was black too) I was just not having the kinda fun you have at proms. WHY? Because I am in Australia. And all people want is to drink and take drugs and talk about sex and have it too. Oh shut up Sara!

Yeah, great. Now I have to talk to myself too. Maybe I'm tired and should sleep on it. But I am still really really ANNOYDED.

I miss you now and I think I may miss you forever. Some phish were made more equal than others and I fully agree, that you were made more equal than any other phish. Some pigs were made squeekable for a good reason.. cos they are my friends. I really love squeeky pigs.

Chocolat. Roux. Lousy ending, for such a fantastic buildup! I am sourly dissapointed. Nevertheless the movie holds an appeal to it, knowing how directors never stick to their books' plots. Johnny Depp, definately worth watching. Hah.

So whimsical lately, and the sadness doesn't seem to leave. I shan't do much about it, but I can't seem to bring myself to study, nor do anything seemingly productive. I don't feel guilty, the amount of chocolate I have consumed is highly provoking, though. Perhaps I should write out some schedule.. a vague resemblence of one, at least, and annoy myself into anonymous conformity of it.

I wonder vaguely about next year, about my doings, my weight, my place in a large campus full of crawling students, a face among millions of others. At times I hate the anonymity, and at times it is the best thing I can get. I hate this, this extended holiday that has become so much of a dream to me. I wonder if I can extend my stay when I go home, and realise that if I get a job this crazy fantasy, this satisfying of my wildest dreams will die, crushed and broken, and so cruelly devastated. Is it so much to ask? for time out with my best of friends, for a little more than two weeks, I understand that this sort of luxury is not very condoned, yet I crave it all the more. I have become a little more demanding.. knowing I have been denied the things I love the most- my friends, out hangouts, our little dances... shared dreams. Sullen, even, in my retort to all this change, a certain subtlety about it, a flashing glimpse of fire, but that is all.

More of me is pouring out slowly here.. and I take heart that perhaps a little more of my normality is returning. I don't know, and I don't want to care. Perhaps, as gramps says, it is feigned indifference.

[somewhere over the rainbow, way up high.... sigh.]

I say, of laughter it is mad, and of mirth, what doeth it? haha. it's funny knowing that this is from the bible.. it seems like such a sad thing to say, but it unfortunately resonates my mood.

The sadness that wells up just cries to be supressed and expressed... such a contradiction. you can't do both at once, can you?

Dearest(s), I'm afraid to write here, because I know you both worry, and yet I do because I cannot help this fear and sadness inside me than to tell the two people I know will understand me most. Not to mention Shu as well, you've been a duck, you darling.

I'm so afraid that when I go home I will find things changed... find myself changed to the point that I can no longer find my niche in your world... that used to be mine as well. Have I left that world forever? Is it mine to keep or do i lose it forever? My fears may be unfounded, but they are not without reason. You girls should know who's down in perth, and also know who's not been nice about my visit. I shan't push it, I know when I'm not wanted. He doesn't bother me, it's rather the disillusionment that is astonishingly cutting.

Other than that I find myself trying to fit into fast growing shoes with shock that was rather unforseen. Perhaps it is selfishness, that I have not seen what is required of me, or sloth, that I have not tried to push myself in areas that I should. Perhaps, ignorance really is bliss, yet it's effects are devastating. Sifting through the debris, I pause to note that Rachel and I both have Lydia in out MSN pic. I like that, it gives me a sense of togetherness even though i am stranded.

I have no means to explain my feelings now, only that they no longer overwhelm me, but leave me in a drained, calm state; water let out of a phishbowl, perhaps. (Phish, objections on the tagboard should you wish to resist the analogy) I find myself in the calmness of dispair, knowing that while I do grieve the loss of contact with you in so many ways, I will see you in so much longer than I should wish and for so short a time that I should protest. But forever is yet too short for us. Solamente tu. Best friends forever!!

Tears, do they hold any worth for me? I find them exceedingly inconvenient, along with the heaving convulsions they bring, aka, sobbing. Do I know what it means to be at the end of my teeter? If I don't know now, I have no wish to come any closer to knowing. I find myself going slowly crazy, this place having become something like the mad journals of a psychopath as they document their daily life as normal. The sinister thought that my writings have deteriorated to such a point makes me want to cry out, to protest, to say I'll be back to normal soon, but I have no wish of false hope, and I tell my fears frankly here.

Perhaps I have a better understanding of what it means, after all, to be pushed so far. I've met people like this, and till now, have had nary a nod of sympathy for them, owing to great ignorance and also lack of understanding. I wonder now if their slight misdemeanours are justified, and find myself looking at them the way I feel people see me. Perhaps, dearest(s), you never saw me in such a dissarray, and my dismay has never heightened to this feverish point. But I suppose that there's a first time for everything and you may be sure that I will live well and truly through this. It's temporary. And I will make it, because of God. Perhaps that should be spelt L-O-V-E or H-O-P-E, but no matter, He is all I need right now.

My solace, light and salvation. Secret keeper, best friend, king of kings and Lord of Lords, wonderful saviours, merciful father, refuge, strong tower, magnificent great I AM.

[The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing] [Zeph 4:17]

Oh ya, TiMmAyee, thanks so much for being an annoying little brother.

The day has come to pass that I never thought I would see. A glorious removal of temperament, sleepless nights and hair loss. Rejoice in the fact that it's over! Mock exams! Ye shall never live to torment thy soul! Flee! Forever be lost unto timeless space! I laugh... or shall I bite my thumb?

Tossing and turning in my bed, I woke at 3 and paced the floors, fearing the terrors of the day. (fatigue, sleeping in an exam, drooling while sleeping, snakes in exam hall, scratchy pens and other such fearful horrors.) But my God has been faithful, and I am thus rescued from furthur trauma with no apparant injury to speak of. Oh the resounding words like that of music... the clock that faithfully pressed on... until i thought my hands would quit and resign. And when I had paid my due, I was released unto freedom, glorious freedom!

Worse horrors could arrest me, but results are only released on thursday. haha.

Jaa, sleep well.

[the beauty of romance is not found in the attraction of the absolute opposites of this world.]

[No matter what they say about opposites attracting, to this I have firmly adhered, lest I chance upon greater evils than daring to eat so much chocolate in one day.]

Sakura Drops IS nice! Thanks my darling babe Rachie!

I'm listening to it, again and again and again. =) Oh, we have such great taste!! Hahah.

I had a queerish dream last night, and it was very very long. I didn't like it.

The days are drawing themselves closer together, but they aren't getting any shorter. Pity. Can't wait to wake up to the day I will see all my darlings! The thought is so exhilarating I could postively die of happiness! Oh bliss!

Rach Dahling, (as you prefer that to Darling), many many thanks for the sms... I will Gambatte for exams! Haha. They end on the 19th, tuesday.

Just ben mo dao zhing here.. what to do mann~ sian arr. Calculus.. I must jia you! And be oily.

I think I gave up my diet this afternoon, and now I've resumed it. I shall jog tomorrow! Haha. Lovely. Rachie, congrats on finishing yourss!

Jaa. *blows a kiss*

[Beauty is in the eye of the beholder]

Mmm. And I say, of laughter, it is mad, and of mirth, what doeth it?

Perhaps that is too pessismistic a view. Today was a little melancholic, and i think my memory storage overloaded or something. I started remembering stuff about Singapore.. actually visualising the different places and the different things. My heart pines...

And yet something queer is happening. My life here is becoming more... real? And today in my solitary afternoon was a feeling of familiarity that I craved for so long. Not a huge wave of it, but enough to make me gloriously happy for a while.

Oh, life may never be the same again, but I really shouldn't ask for so much... As if I have not had more than my fair share of the good in this world! That I should ask for more... it is human, perhaps, but not in my position. Oliver Twist suffered for that same bold question.

I shall commence sleep (perchance to dream) so that I can StArDiiiE tomorrow. Hah. As rachel would say, Bah, Humbug!

Jaa.

As Rachel would also say, some phish were born more equal than others.

Ahahaahahahahahahahaahah GILA! So so so so so so so so so sad!! I have just flunked out on chem.. I am so so so so0 soSO SOoOsooososo deaded. YaaaAAaAaaaAAaaaAaaAaaaaArrrrrrrrrrrrGGGggggGGGGgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHhhh~

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, ok. go le. byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Woo. English is ovaa~~ Hahaha. I wended my way rather uncouthly, as a youth arisen from a deep sleep, yet with voice loud and large enough to turn scornful eyes as I rejoiced, "The worst is ovaaaaa~" The whole library heard me larr.

Hehehe. I saw him today. And I kaypo kaypo went to talk to him lorr! Sara, you are getting to be too bold, too bold. hmm, didn't you take a test once that classed you as 'foward'? Erm... *guilty look* I was like, "hmm, exams harr." *look at hp* "well, all the best." Ahahaha. So farnie. He looked... stunned, at best. I just had this feeling it was him as he stepped out of the car.. I couldn't see him but I felt like it was him. Talk about creepy. I'm not even nuts about him...

Ben mo dao zhi, I am thinking of going back to SG le! And I'm not supposed to until after exams, as a general rule! But neva mind, now my darlings know that I am still thinking of them often! So I shall tell you my dream! As dreams go, it's a weird one, but I am pretty satisfied with it.

I was in the carpark of my old home and 4 of us were sitting there studying, me Rachie Lydia and LC. (dun ask me where he came from). I was opposite Rachel next to Lydia and LC was next to Rachel. And I felt like time was short, that we weren't hurrying but we shd treasure the time we had. And I asked LC what time he had to go and he said 11 or 12. I looked at my watch and it was already 12... and he said we'll meet another day, on 9th August... to go for a walk. (Wait.. isn't that national day??) Den he left.. and left just me and Rach and Lyd lorr. haha. Dreamt of AHS as well, that I was in the old sec 3 block that got torn down... mm... den I could see the concourse and the assembly area (the sec 1 and 2 time that one.. now used for netball) and I can't rmb what I was doing there but I didn't like it much. Dreams are so jumbly that they are hard to describe. All I know is that when I woke up I felt so so happy (sunday morning I think) because I knew I was going to go home and I felt like it was going to be a happy time... wahahahahahaah I miss you I miss you!

Tomorr chem exam and I am doing math now. Eks. Jumbly girl. I was just thinking about home, esp on sunday... but I shall put that off till 19th october, cos I have exams. hah.

Oh ya, on the news front, Daniel Bey Zhi Wen is coming to Perth in the last week of October so if u got anything to pass den tell me.. so u can shun bian meet the pipsqueak. hahah. sorry dan. I realise Rach has never met him but hey, you dun really wanna, right? *grin* dunno if he will ever see this but aniwaes, no matter. ops. =)

Exams! Itadakimasu ne! *kichigai*

Jealousy... ah me~ woe is me... Gramps MSN is 'promos over' and I wanna cry! I also wan my exams to be over toooooo... mine start next week!

woo. elections coming up heree. And people aren't afraid to diss each other. They have TV ads that blatantly diss the other party. Intrasting. Just remember that Chee Soon Juan got so busted... haha. This place is so much more democratic. haha.

Watching without a trace... sighsigh... sighsigh...

Aiyaa, writing rubbish... no write le la.. mmmm...

Tim is so crap. But everyone knows that and everyone who states the obvious is so annoying. I'm so annoying. But that means Tim is crap. Hey. I'm getting so much more help with insulting people.. know why? Cos Tim is here. ha. He's helping me. Insult him... cos he's """""good natured""""" and """"charming"""" and """""cool""""" and """""SO MODEST"""""... I need more inverted commas. Can i buy punctuation? EEE. now he's saying I run slow. Cos I am lame... cannot walk. And it's true. And I type so slow as well. *fa nu*

Ahaha. Do chem now.

WooHoo! Happy! My blogger dashboard updated itself! Now we can celebrate post anniversaries again, as I am in a very lame habit of doing so.

Sobsob. I'm finally feeling the stress. Is that good or bad? Chem chem chem sucks.

Waha. CSI was lousy today. too bad... am I seeing thru them more or issit just cos it's not miami?

Rachie girl.. How's the exams? I am finally beginning to realise that I have 5 days to exams! hahaha... Let's stress~

Went jogging today.. goodies. Losing weight??? Tomorr go again worr. hahah. Hope I get skinny. -_-

Sigh sian arrh.. tired liaoz better sleep if I am gonna wake up tomorr man. Got to STUDY HARD! YaRrRrRr. Exams... are horrible... terrible.. vegetable.

Eee. I like the dice! >.<

[Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it]

hee~ So cool. Debs just sent me an email and that phrase caught my eye.

I suppose that today's events merit some form of mention. Royal show! I think it's a really clever way to earn money, I really do! I spent like 25 I think.. on like... I don't know.

The earrings were worth mentioning. they're cool. I shall bring them back to SG so the gals can see. hehehe.

Waha. So tired now.. I really should study harder but I am so so lazy. I am a member of slackers inc. what... yesyesyes.. tomorr do chem 16, and the sem 2 rev book. finish bio chapters.. hmm. yes yes.. then go jogging. ya. Can I fufill my high aims for myself?? So lame.

eeeee. I want the DICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were these big big dice there and I just couldn't get them! And I wanted them.. they're so so so socute! My dad doesn't like my liking for dice, but I assure you that it's perfectly healthy. =) EeeEee.. I WANT! hahah. but it's such a rip off, the way the games are done up that I really give up... Never get me dice... oh well, they're just dice aniways

The fireworks were so cool. We were sitting so near them that stuff actually started dropping on us! Hahah. I had candy floss, and chocolates and gummies.. brocoli and no dinner except for late supper. hahaha. Which was more brocoli. waha. My diet is so busted man!!

Never mind. Royal shows are once in a year, but diets last a lifetime huh. I reckon.

Aniways, Let me be responsible for once and go sleep earlier.
Jaa mata.

Dearie,

I love to listen to Nichole Nordeman. Because I think of you. And I remember the dance. I remember honeypot. I remember the earrings your uncle gave you, the dreamcatcher at your window, the clock you made in sec 2 on your mantle, the big duck we gave you, the many toys dangling their feet from the shelf. The wavy mirror, your color co-ordinated wardrobe, woodpecker pink thing...

It hurts to remember your house, chocobo, the piano, getting water from your kitchen, washing feet, swimming, opening the fridge, staying overnight (forgot my toothbrush *blush*) sushi at 9 pm, bubble tea, black slippers, bread for dinner.. eating so little at kenny rogers, having burger king and always getting vouchers for it. Your sisters, your mom and dad.. your chinese new year clothes...

Cheesecake at BK, fries, and my diet! When you guys were eating fries, there I was with my silly peas... and it was so sad.. but I'm fat, what to do...

I'll never forget... the feeling...when I could just tell you secrets so blatantly... who was Mr. cute, Mr. Sweet. (remembering that these were named courtesy of you) err... who was it that I fell so madly in love with? You were there to see me through it.. to tell me it's okae, to be happy on prom night... you were waiting there in your white ball gown... with your hair so nice. Pulled up in a bun.. I still have the photos... and when we shouted "we object" to ZX walking up in stage...

Or at camp when we dressed the same. how we have the same shirt, and tried to wear it together. I'll bring it back so we can wear it okae? Or how you danced to 'why' at camp... and how n***** was cute but u didn wanna admit.. and how e**** was flirting with you.. we used to hang at the games room for that! Girl, I miss worshiping together in church with you.. don't you know there's a spirit of unity that we all had.. I felt so comfortable with you all.. and we would jump in unison. and we did actions for the songs.. oh girl, what wouldn't I give for another sunday with you, going to TM after church (and it being open. shops are closed on sun here...) what did we do? Lunch.. junk.. shop.. oh girl, I miss you so bad, I really do...

Oh you darling.. you irreplacable darling! I cried when i read your blog, know... I don't know how I ever let you go! But God is doing such a work in all of our lives I know that this separation has a purpose. And I feel that now we know the true strength of our friendship because it's being tested. Oh, I really want to come back and just be with you... I have come to treasure you so much more. Perhaps it really is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because I now know and treasure what you have that others don't.. and I can now appreciate it much better.

It's funny. I never told you enough when you were around how much you meant to me. But girl, I just wanna say that I love you from the bottom of my heart. I couldn't say it then cos I didn't know if it was true, but now I know that it is.

[look there below see the child, trembling by her father's side... now I can tell you why, she is why you must die. -why, by Nichole Nordeman]

Things have changed.. and sometimes change hurts, but I take comfort in our father who's given you to me.

But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Phil 3: 13-14

What's the best solvent for eyeliner? I'll tell you what it is. It's tears. The harder you cry, the more it hurts and the longer you cry, the more effective it is. I didn't have any eyeliner left by the end of tonight. Saved me the trouble of having to get it off. Oh, one less thing to do in the day. Side effects: red eyes, red nose and a sore feeling inside me. very sore.