Wednesday, June 22, 2005

*-[Overcome]`+


I've lost a friend. He's the first of all my friends to go, and the most unlikely one to go at that. I cried at first in disbelief, then in regret that I never said goodbye. Worse still, I cried so hard because I never told him the answers to the questions he had. I just didn't have the guts, or I just procrastinated. I was so wrong, and now I've lost a friend to all eternity. It's too high a price to pay.


Grant was close to me in a strange way, and the more I think about it, the more memories come back. I see his name in my offline list of friends on MSN, and I can't understand that he won't ever come online.


I noticed him when I first came to Murdoch College, and he was one of the first people to make life easier for me in Murdoch. I learned how to use my graphics calculator because of Grant, I learnt how to laugh out loud in Bio and Chem because of Grant, regardless of what the teachers said. We made silly doodles and he always had something to say to make life fun. Happy go lucky to no end, I cannot imagine that he would have chosen to end his own life. Grant, if you'd known how much all of us would cry, grieve and struggle, would you have done it? Weren't we friends enough for that last lunch or coffee? That goodbye call? You PROMISED me you'd call me. You PROMISED me that coffee. And I regret not making you meet me.


Grant always believed in having fun. Maybe that accounted for his carefree exterior, but inside I have always known that there were questions he asked. And although he never asked them, I should have supplied the answers anyway. I should have told him that the weird emptiness he tried to fill with friends, alcohol, and whatever else was a square peg in a round hole. I should have told him that The only thing that keeps me going is God! I should have made him understand more clearly that I don't own a religion, I own a relationship. I should have told him that what God is is a Friend and a Father. I should have told him straight to the point that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and He's the only one who can save us from eternal suffering. Jesus is the one who Fills that void in my soul. He's the only one who gives meaning to my life. He's the only one who Gives me purpose, MAKES ME TRULY HAPPY. Think about it. Have you ever been truly blissfully wonderfully happy? Have you ever be fully content? With problems but at perfect peace? If you havent found your answers, if that emptiness is there, please, find your answers where I GUARANTEE you'll find rest. In Jesus... And if you want to know ANYTHING at all, please please please I beg you, drop me a note: chiizu_keki@hotmail.com Even if you have no idea who I am. And MORE SO if you do know who I am. Question me, make me cry, I'd rather have a bombarded inbox than to have anyone of you left empty-handed. I've lost Grant, and I can't afford to lose anyone of you, especially those who are close to me You know I'm talking to you.


Grant, I can't have you back although I wish so much I could. But I don't want to let your death be in vain. If only you'd stayed around long enough to enjoy life in the way that I have. That's why I've cried all yesterday and this morning, and I don't know when I'll stop. You don't know how much you mean to me. That comes as a surprise, because I didn't know how much you meant until now either. That 'seeya' or 'take care' doesn't suffice now, all I can do is stand speechless and inside I feel like screaming.. I feel like getting you back somehow. And yes, I'd rather be the one to go if only you'd promise me you'd discover Jesus.


Dear God, I trust in your good and perfect will and yet I grieve so much for the loss of this dear friend who's played the fragile game of life and lost. For whatever reason you've allowed this, let it not be in vain. And if I might be so bold as to ask: Lord, please let Grant be in that better place. You're a just and faithful God, please, I ask Lord, be gracious...Give me the courage to do what I should, to tell it like it is, and comfort me... I can't stop crying... I tossed and turned with this song, and the urgency of appeal is apparant to me now.


I woke up from dreaming
I returned a call from a friend of mine,
she sounded really lonely
But I had somewhere to be
I said I'll call you later
'Cause I really need to go, I can't be late,
she'll be okay, this is important
Then I forgot completely

[Bridge:]You can be who you choose to be
But whether you do, or whether you don't
Depends on your priority
And I know that it's not easy

[Chorus:]
I'm looking for the peace to find some sleep tonight
'Cause I'm
Not very proud of the way I have lived today
But if I choose to
Follow Him along the way
Then maybe I won't look back
Feel like time is gonna pass me by
Then maybe I won't look back

[Bridge 2:]
On those days I could of said something
In those times when help was needed I was busy
I was within the words to see the moment is good
In some way I could have been something
I thought I was done with a simple smile, but I was selfish
But if I change my heart today, tomorrow it may be okay
And maybe I won't look back

I woke up from a nightmare
Where I was talking down this street, invisible and no one else could see me
All my chances were gone
I can't get your attention
I've had many things to say, but never tried, afraid you wouldn't listen
Should of done it all differently

[Bridge]
You can be who you choose to be
But whether you do, or whether you don't
Depends on your priority
Lord help me to choose wisely

[Chorus]
I'm looking for the peace to find some sleep tonight
'Cause I'm
Not very proud of the way I have lived today
But if I choose to
Follow Him along the way
Then maybe I won't look back
Feel like time is gonna pass me by
Then maybe I won't look back

[Bridge 2]
On those days I could of said something
In those times when help was needed I was busy
I was within the words to see the moment is good
In some way I could have been something
I thought I was done with a simple smile, but I was selfish
But if I change my heart today, tomorrow it may be okay
And maybe I won't look back

[Rap:]
I can't hold back, I can't be shy
This is my big chance to be living the life, I gotta
Stand up strong and take the ride
Throw all those useless excuses aside
So much to do, I got a lot to say

I don't always understand but I'll gonna follow anyway
'Cause there is a bigger plan, a destiny
I can't waste this precious time

[Chorus]
I'm looking for the peace to find some sleep tonight
'Cause I'mNot very proud of the way I have lived today
But if I choose to
Follow Him along the way
Then maybe I won't look back
Feel like time is gonna pass me by
Then maybe I won't look back

[Bridge 2]
On those days I could of said something
In those times when help was needed I was busy
I was within the words to see the moment is good
In some way I could have been something
I thought I was done with a simple smile, but I was selfish
But if I change my heart today, tomorrow it may be okay
And maybe I won't look back
Then maybe I won't look back [x2]


[In tears, Grant, you still owe me that Lunch]

Monday, June 20, 2005

To my Darling, who is in my heart and on my mind.


I fell asleep from three till nine
and so i did forget to dine.
Slept not a wink from two till five
though thoroughly I truly strived.
And on my mind at this strange time
was nothing but a funny rhyme.
My thoughts kept leading me to you
and so I write this as it's due
a thought captured for darling, you.

In life things seem to come and go
and sometimes they just don't flow.
The boat we sit in suffers storm
and in summer gets too warm.
And all these things may get you down
In sight there may be nary a town.
But tell you what my dearie duck
I'm sailing next to you with pluck.
We'll tie our boats with ribbon and STRING
so they don't move and rock and swing.
We'll feast and yell, go swimming and hunt
we won't go hungry or have to grunt.
And who knows? One day you'll see
A furry pink boat in sight of thee.
another deer come to join the fun
bear your burdens and bring the sun.
You'll never have to sail alone
in foggy rains and cyclones.

As I lie in darkness here
my thoughts fade back to yesteryear.
my dear's been strong, she's always been strong
we'll brave it through and sing a song.

In my prayers you always are
I know that I am not too far
to have an answer to a prayer
even though I am not there.
God is good at miracles
He doesn't run in big circles.
I know he's heard your prayer and mine
I pray so hard that you'll be fine.
I love you so much, darling dear
I wish that I could be 'more near'.
And though my grammer is atrocious
that is really not the focus.

It is early, it is six
and I think I need to fix
the housework that seems to call
from not to far beyond the hall.
(actually it is mumsie mum
she's complaining I'm a bum).
But right after I finish there
I'll grab my sailboat and swimwear.
Watch for me, I'll be in sight
waving and yelling with all my might.
I'll bring the STRING, you bring the choc
And together we will rock
gently slowly in the waves
and for nothing we will crave.

My dearie darling... let's go swimming.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."- Isaiah 40:28-31


.:[MuAcKkS]:.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Excuse me while I turn myself inside out.


As a happy celebration to a wonderful event (the finishing of exams) I decided to turn my biological functions inside out. I had a chocolate biscuit before dinner! I slept late! I woke up so early the next day and best of all, today I slept at 3 pm! I've just woken up and finished eating dinner... Siiigh.. I'm contented.. nothing to study for till August! AaaaaAah... nicenice.. I wish I could say I'm free and happy and slacking but I'm not... I'm so packed next week it's not funny. Oh yes, and i'm finally listening to 'fallen' by Mya.. thanks to Marky, who will have the answer to anything computer/guitar/camera related.


*-[17th June 2005]`+
Friday was dearest papa's birthday, and we deigned to celebrate at Auntie Jean's. The best surprise of all (to me, at least) was the mist and fog that I drove home in. It was almost relaxing to sit there and navigate home. I convinced the birthday boy to take me for a walk in the fog filled field and after some persuasion (and head shaking from mom) I got the go- ahead. We tottered off in the cold, playing with the mist made from breathing out.


I felt so safe and protected in that near pitch-darkness. Except for the car lights that went by every few seconds, and the intermittent lights near the field, it was desperately dark and I couldn't see what I was walking on.. A sudden feeling of 'what if-' and God intervened.. He told me who I was, how He was my protector, how He would take perfect care of me if only I trusted in his perfect love. And I felt so safe on that soggy walk.


Me and Daddie got to the field, he dressed in black with a black beanie, and I running around in the mist. [what's that law about not dressing the dress of a cat burgler??] I jumped a little, feeling cold and realised I couldn't see past much of 2 metres. Daddy was standing some distance away and his silhouette was all I could make out. I pretended for one dreadful moment that I didn't know he was my Dad... and the shiver of who he could be in that black night made me tingle. He called out, and we began the trot back. I could tell that we had gotten cold because when we breathed out it wasn't foggy anymore.


But I won't forget that in a hurry. I loved the mist and fog. The enigma and shrouded mystery... and of course, Happy Birthday dearest Papa, you will always be my best and favourite.


[The picture wouldn't be the same if you weren't standing next to me]

Friday, June 17, 2005

*-[Alice in Wondeland]`+


Ever wonder how bewildered poor Alice must have been after falling down that rabbit hole? She probably didn't know which end was up until she was sipping tea with a sombrero flattening her golden tresses. And before she knew it she was playing croquet with the queen of spades and then it was back home for lunch again. It all happened pretty fast and I must say that in that respect she is fortunate. This is not exactly wonderland, and I'm thankfully not blonde either, but I'm finding my life here in perth to be a little slower than snail's express.


Admittedly, I grow increasingly confused as the days go by. I wonder where I should be, what I should be doing, and why. Some days I know. But today just isn't one of those days. I realise that I must bore you all, and have become even more boring of late. Perhaps it's a random cycle that happens in Perth, just like seasons: around a certain time of the year you just lose it all... don't know who you are and become one of those grey shells that no one notices, because your personality's left you like Sakura's feathers left her inTsubasa...


I would really like to know how Alice survived her supposed ordeal, and if she had more fun than terror (and whether it was all senationalised just to make the little girl rich and famous). That way, I might just navigate out of this mundane existence and buy myself a life. I tried to do that last year but apparantly they were all out of stock. Suddenly, study excites me. Now that exams are over and I am unable to return to above ground, I'm scared. What in the world am I going to do until August?


The prospect of turning into a nun doesn't seem so difficult after all. I hardly answer phone calls because there aren't any. I hate reading messages because they're all about business. ("I'll be late", "I'm at the library" and "Where are you?") I hardly go on MSN anymore. I stay home and study. My primary occupation has been put on hold, what am I to do now?


The thought did occur to run away and join the circus, but was promptly dashed when I looked up at the elephant on the tightrope. I keep thinking about Kenshin's episode as 'somenosuke' in helping little Marino with her performance...secret umbrella technique indeed. ;)


[Lost between earth and mars]

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

*-[You know the exams have gotten to you when...]`+


1. Everyone one MSN is talking to you about when your exams are, what's in them and how bad they are.
2. You pack your notes when you go shopping.
3. You lose your notes in a fancy restaurant and try not to freak out.
4. You go back twice to locate them.
5. Your notes look like they've been clutched and have nail marks on them.
6. At least 3 people on MSN have a nick with the word 'exam' in them.
7. You don't notice when the sun sets anymore
8. You don't reach for the coffee- you pick the highlighter.
9. The Laptop battery is low.
10. Your hand hurts.
11. Your grammer is going
12. You have zeeero inspiration.
13. You have comfort food in your room.
14. Your thought patterns mix up food.
15. You want gastronemius to interrupt epicondyle conversation with orbicularis oculi biological information.
16. You think it's all one big joke how much the exam weighs
17. You make sure you don't really make much common sense at all.
18. You keep checking the exam venue.
19. You know exactly what you want to do AFTER the exams, not in the exam.
20.You start writing a list of things.. and you have no idea why but it seems to calm you down some how....


Hmm. Bed time Sara.

*-[My list of J's]`+


I have a thing with 'J's'. I don't know why but it seems that a lot of cute celebs I like are names starting with J!


Johnny Depp
Jude Law (especially as Jerome Morrow in Gattaca)
John Mayer
Jeremy Jordan (but only as Guy Perkins)
Josh Harnett
Joaquin Phoenix


This phenomenon applies only to male celebs, for which I am truly thankful. I mean, if alliteration dictated my taste in food, fauna or friends, I should be in tremendous trouble. I mean, liking sushi and smoked salmon would come at a painful price of liking sauerkraut, seeds and soggy souffle. Somehow, I seem to squelch at that prospect. Tomorrow's trouble will terminate as I sit for my last exam.... *groans* I am truly thoroughly thankful that it will end.... I should stop alliterating now, I'm going a little crazy and I should sleep so I can wake up for the exam! Good night!


p.s. I'm glad Fiona is back.. been MIA from her blogging while overseas. Can't believe I'm talking about a person I don't know. -_-" Help me Rachel.

Monday, June 13, 2005

*-[Incredibility]`+


Tonight, as I sit here writing and shivering, it will be the first night in quite a while that I have time to think about what I'm saying here. Perhaps the past few posts have been sub-standard; you've seen the frazzled, unstable person inside that every one of us is so afraid to show. Or maybe it's just me.


The days are rapidly getting colder, but other than a small bout of hail, nothing interesting to report of the weather's antics. Since when do people talk about weather anyway? When they don't have anything to say. Or when they have nothing good to say.


One exam's over, there's only on left on Thursday. Today's paper was an expected killer. 39 pages, back and front.. can you imagine the thickness of that booklet? I didn't bother to dilly dally about reading time. I took a pencil and wrote my answers in the margins, scribbling like a mad monkey and switched to a pen, finishing with 15 minutes to spare.


I wrote like I have never written in my whole life not bothering to use much punctuation or cater to my spelling so you can imagine how messy it must have been since I used a smudgable black inky pen that smudged everywhere on the paper forcing me to change my pen to my usual dark blue one that was running out of ink but anyway I finished the paper without too much drama


I'm still as mong as ever... cannot really think, cannot write, very dazed.. been like this for a while... haaaalp...


[food food food]

Sunday, June 12, 2005

*-[Fallen]`+


There's a song my Mya called 'Fallen' and I really like it but I can't seem to get it. I've only heard it twice.


Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is that today I have earworm, i.e. a song that keeps playing in my head. Alethea's fault la! She decided to sing this weird song that went something like, "Olei pala pili pelae doodoo di doodoo doodei", so we all sang it (Ale and Ariel and I) in Auntie Jean's spare room. And we sang it loud and repeatedly in different voices until the grown ups declared displacement from the house. I have 4 different recordings of it in my phone. Heheh. And we sat around until half past ten stuffed full and I am SO FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. My post exam resolution is to SLIM DOWN! WaRhHAhHAhahaa.


Siiiiigh.. tired, fat-ish and sleepy.. I am going to SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP. Aiyoo. Lidat how to lose weight man! Okae la, when I load the pics I'll have a better commentary of today's dinner accompanied by pictures!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

[Hail]


It hailed at 8 in the morning! I've never seen anything like it- ice pelting from the sky and landing noisily everywhere. The lawn was icy, the whole of the outside was just full of icy bits and pieces! I can't write much, I've got to study, and anyway, I can't say any of what I want to say because of the people who will read this. Well, I'm not sure anyone concerned will find out but anyway, it's bad publicity. *snarl* I've been in such an awful mood because I can't seem to study and I'm sick as well... not to mention I feel like a nasty bitch. oh help. sorry guys.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Listening to: [This Gift] by 98 Degs.


hehe... a delicious feeling of Keitaro and Naru's get together in the winter special comes to mind. I love that Christmas feeling! Hmm Hmm~ *swoons*


Hahah... I have a dream of two houses. I don't know where the visualization came from... Perhaps too many movies with posh apartments. The first is big, with a living room three steps lower than the rest of the house. It opens out into a balcony, and is carpeted. The decorations are tasteful. On the other side of the living room far from the balcony is the front door, deep mahogany, heavy and polished. The couch of the living room is leather, stylish, a mix of light and dark. The coffee table is glass with black legs to match the sofa. The shelves that line one side of the wall are also glass, some laquered funky colors that aren't too bright. A TV sits in the centre of all the shelves that are ceiling high, books and knick knacks line the rest of the shelves. Beside the sofa is a small palm tree, and a magazine rack. The use of space is evidently carefully planned out, and a wall with a mounted glass slide separates the living room from the kitchen. The kitchen tiles are marble, and in large square slabs. There is a bar facing the living area with those delightful yellow halogen lights bouncing a glow off the champagne glasses that rest upside down. The bar chairs are high and modern, and a modest collection of wine and fruit sake line the bar shelves along with bottles of decorative cut fruit that are so carefully pickled to make decorations. The bar leads into the kitchen, a lean fridge stocked with rubbish. The counter is long, and anyone who wants to can lean in the corridor that that counter makes with the wall and watch the going ons. The Paintings are monet fakes, but no one cares. Cooking utensils, gleaming silver, hang along the side of the wall that the stove is encased in. The cupboards are all different colors that co-ordinate nicely. Stocked inside neatly are (as Mdm Teos said) persherberl foods. The cutlery matches, it's all the way from the UK. The lamps that hang above the counter are orange frosted glassy works of art. Poddle off into the rooms and they split into three. One is a bathroom with the works- tub, sofa, full length mirror and lots of space. The other two are rooms, one with an on suite bathroom. It's got quiet sheets and billowy curtains. A wooden drawer, a mantel and a walk in wardrobe. A quiet desk with a modern lamp is in the corner nearer the window. A laptop is there with a small potted plant. paper clips, pens, work papers lie in a neat pile, along with a coffee mug and sentimental knick knacks. The other room is a wispy breath of pink and silver. The cushions on the window seat are furry, everything is pretty and jewellery hangs on a specially made hanger. The bed is a double decker, the cupboards are three in a row. A desk is across the room from the bed and various things lie scattered on it. This one has an on suite bathroom. The shower walls are frosted glass, the sink is modern and marble. The hangers and handles are all silver. On the other side of the kitchen lie an assortment of bean bags, along with a low table. The view is breathtaking- the glass goes right down to the floor. On the other side of the living room, another 3 doors stand. One is a storeroom, the second is another bathroom and the third is yet another room. This one is dressed with plain sheets, the color striking. A neat array on the dresser greets you and the desk on another side is cosy and busy looking. The bed is low, and the light in that room is a circular florescent, interchangable with yellow halogen lamps. A fridge inhabits one corner, a hi fi set, sleek and lean, settles beside the bed. The affiliated bathroom is the one with the jacuzzi, and has a separate partition for it.


My goodness, what a load of complete fluff made of imagination! Hahaha. Oh well, at least I know I still have interest in interior design... and an overactive imagination. Anyone's who's read up to here.. congrats! And err.. contribute to my fund to build that house! Heh heh. Should start searching on e bay for furniture! *rubs hands together* Fly away, $$$$!!!!


Changed tune to: [Beauty and the Beast] by Jump5... I like the remix of this fantastic old classic! *muackers to the babes.. all of em!*

.Dismal.


It's funny what triggers off the feelings you hide inside- a picture on a friend's blog, a memory, and a flash of longing.


I haven't checked in in a while, and i guess the weather's starting to make a little cranky. But I was reading Grace's blog when I saw a picture of her room taken in hall. And suddenly everything obscure, everything lingering in the back of my memory that could possibly have to do with a room like that came back. I flinched. It's so strange how a picture I have never seen could bring back memories. High rise condos, a flash, sec 3 classroom block (now nonexistent!), another flash and a familiar feeling of walking out the front gate toward the MRT station. Wait, maybe that's because I'm listening to Rachel Lampa's 'Kaleidoscope'. I always listened to it on the way home.


Maybe I feel this way because I don't like my house much this time of the year. A few months back it was livable but right now it's like an igloo- small and very cold. I'd sell this place to anyone who intends to invest in property for hell. I can't stand the house being so cramped. I don't know why, but even condos have a feeling of freedom and space. It's the way it's built. It's built for AESTHETIC VALUE. I really do wish my place was a little more aesthetically comforting. That might make my studying easier.. heheh. I find my mind scanning every house I've been to in Perth and I find that none of them satisfy my very ridiculous desires. I don't mind a small house, but I wish it didn't look so... tacky. So pasar malam. So boringly sufficent to the basic needs of shelter. SiGh... I sure ask for a lot.


Sorry about the winter grumps... haha. Perhaps once the exams are over things will render themselves a little better. Not that's there's much to render.. there's nothing to do in Perth.. And that makes me so BLUE. (or is that the lack of Oxygen?) I'm so afraid that one day I'll find that I'm here and here for good. I'm so afraid of being stranded in isolation... okae, I need to stop being so depressing..


[Dear God... help!!!!]

Thursday, June 02, 2005

I wanted to write something nice today. But I have absolutely no ling gan. hahaaha. So you get to listen to, or read, my usual crap.


Got into a bit of a funk with the biology project today. 58% is not a good mark. I can't say he's a fantastically strict marker, and I can't say I did my part very well. Sigh, some days I think that if I had better people skills I'd do better in my group projects... If anything, I'd be able to suggest things without sounding like a complete dork. Perhaps I've been cooped up in Perth too much- no social life, you know. (God, I know you're reading this... haha you know that I still wanna go hooooommmeeeee... please please?)


nevertheless, it didn't seem to matter very much. I don't know why but there isn't very much motivation to do well these days. I used to work so hard and kick myself if I got anything below 80... but now I think that I can get by just passing.. and anyway, there's no more schooling after this. Terrible mentality, I hope it leaves me soon. (notice how nonchalent that last sentence was! Goodness gracious.)


Hahaha... maybe God wants me to learn to take it easy with the studying, because that's not all there is to life. He wants me to learn to excel in other things as well... things that are important to Him. That's something to chew on.


Mummie switched on the heater in the room! *cheers* So here I am in summer attire happy as anything while outside's freezing. Actually I want a CD but I can't be stuffed creeping out in the cold to get it. Boo. I already stocked up on other things- laptop battery life, Psychology notes, sketchbook, love letter from God. Hmm. Mum's here too... haha... She's important to have because.. because everything.


Okae la. I shall try to study harder for my psychology. Gambatte!!!!! and ever more than yesterday, I stand by the fact that Sigmund Freud is a HENTAI JIJI! *girls run screaming from happosai* oyasumi!