Sunday, May 31, 2009

It's really high time to change skins man. I am tired of this one...

Today has been terribly melancholic. I miss being me, I miss being single, I miss all the time I had to spend with friends and on my own. I miss when life was slower and showed more promise.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I can't even say it's anyone else's fault.

Guess I'm better off alone.

I made chocolate chip cookies. There are over a hundred of them. I think my heart will just fall apart now. Sleep may glue me some.
Sweet Tolerance

Finally, today, it came back to me. Alone and unafraid, I reached out, the first in months/years. It's not been lost. Like a child, overwhelmed and unregulated, I pulled it all out from the gutter. And the sparkle was like a clear spring day.

We danced, the first in months/years. No, you haven't left me. No, all is not lost from me. The ennui melted from my soul. I rejoiced, overflowed, shattered and reformed. I watched the golden sky in my rearview mirror and the greying close of the day from my windscreen. Crazy times, good times, life-times. How can I trade this? The content of my soul- to be writ by one hand, overseen by only one gentle eye, and loved solely by the whole-entirety of his huge unknowable spirit.

Believe, it's about believing. Can I truly accept that the father of the prodigal son wanted him back? If I can, I know how it ended. I can, I want to. What do I believe for myself, what can I, what do I want to believe? So many things now. So tender, so hopeful, so full of small mercies. Day to day graces, small perceptions, I am blind, in love with the world.

Then I was sad when I came home and read the things I did. The dark anger I pushed away. Am i to be torn between two, able to choose one but not both? How come you cannot be happy with my peace? I cannot deny which I will choose, for my own selfish reasons, but also for reasons pertaining to morality and integrity. It is the right choice. But that brings no comfort when another is suffering, angry, corrupted by my own sin. I wanted to be sorry, but I couldn't apologize for loving and being loved. It's apples and oranges. What do you want? perhaps they sold you something with false advertising. Perhaps you are finding out the faulty mechanisms in the cogs but only after you paid the extended warranty. I'll give you back the money for it if you really want that. You seem angry enough for that.


Weren't you told
Just why you were sold
The transaction was more than money
The redemption is blood.

I just want to revel in you-
Love is the thing this time I'm sure
That I couldn't need you more now
The way that you saw things were so pure
Overjoyed

Monday, May 04, 2009

To capture what is real, how it is real, to see the Jesus in it all.
The Meaning of Life is.. 24.

I polled many people today. My strange and painful ennui culminated in 5 full blown discussions running all at once. But the only answer I was really satisfied with was Divinia's. For whatever human value we place on life, passion, happiness, we can only rely on God's fuel to fill the needy void of purpose.

Why have i been running from it? Don't I believe it works?

What do you want in life?
Answers from a garden variety of friends.


'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' says:
happiness
[sare] dragon days says:
does that come in a specific form?
[sare] dragon days says:
or in many forms that if u say u have/achieve, u will be happy?
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' says:
to be specific
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' says:
find a girl ill love forever and marry her and have kids
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' says:
bascially starting a family and finding my lifemate


wanjun says:
there are actually a lot of things i want in life. but my greatest greatest greatest want in life is to really like
[sare] dragon days says:
like the big focus
wanjun says:
be able to make an impact to the world using what God has given me. like what i told candy before and i truly truly believe it
wanjun says:
like, i want to climb so high up in the ladder in the media industry that i'll be able to eventually
wanjun says:
have the ability to control what goes on and what doesn't


Divinia says:
i want God's will to be carried out to the fullĀ 
Divinia says:
hahaha!
Divinia says:
=)
Divinia says:
i want nth to distract me from it, all hindrances to be pushed asideĀ 
Divinia says:
and i want only His love to propell me so that my motivation may be correct
And then I remembered that I had lost a lot of my special moments and time with God.. that made life special and content indeed.

Dear God, save me from myself.