Thursday, July 28, 2011

This is difficult, right here, right now. The being here is difficult.
I feel like I'm searching for what I want my life direction to be, going through late adolescence as an adult. And adolescence just plain sucks. It doesn't matter where you are when you finally decide to get through it, it just sucks.
Just when I gather a hint of what I want to do, it gets thrown out the window. All these ideas surface and resurface, bursting on the surface like a volatile angry pot of soup. I DON'T know what I want to do.

Should I explore other career options that I may enjoy more?
Furniture design, interior design, graphic/media art, writing?

Are there more hobbies that I should take more seriously, and others I should leave behind?
Singing? Pole dancing? Dance? Painting?

I feel so confused, because I don't even know if I want to be in this country. Should we move to Singapore? When should I have children? Be a stay home mum?

Money... will there be enough? How can I be smart about it? Is that holiday too much money? Are experiences really worth it?

And although the church is having prayer meetings every night I have not gone to any. I was meant to go today but I was too busy running errands all over. :S scary face!
I don't feel included in church. I don't feel belonged at all.
In fact I don't think people at church like me.
I would leave, but I can't bring myself to do so.
So, isolation seems inevitable.
I struggle to make good all the time.

I feel like crying all the time. Every little thing sets me off, a sad movie, a song, sharing, words, and I start to tear...

Maybe I need a break from life.