Sunday, September 30, 2007

Pull Away!


The weeds outside my window are nice. They are calming. I like that they are tall, wild. They do as they wish! And to me, they're pretty. I made a bunch for May. But mum said she wanted to CHOP THEM DOWN and throw them away.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.


Ok la, it's not that bad. Cut then cut lor. I will go and love the dandelions in the field next door. I'll blow them bald so that they can grow and multiply! Sigh. I'm tired but life isn't boring and i've been saved a little from the endless monotony of work. Although I will have to start working again soon, other interesting developments have been made. I think that although I was initially alarmed, I am quite comfortable with the way things are now. I hope la. Hurhurhur.


Sigh. Social life is just too hard to upkeep. Because I am too tired to entertain. Therefore, people have disappeared on me. sigh. never mindssssss. Just ren.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

A LETTER TO MY SCREWTAPE (duct tape) FRIEND.


I cannot believe my stupidity. Here is what I did: I have been trying to update my brain on your blog and I DID NOT realise that I had to log on and click your name before I could view your entries properly. So I've been reading that stupid quiz wondering why you said got juicy stuff. SO NOW I AM DAMN LAGGY about your entries lah! ROFL.


Never mind that, it's all been rectified now. And you've caught me just right, babe. Because just reading your entries reminded me all over who you are and that I just can't help but love you. There is something very special about your cynical optimism, the way you tackle life head on, even if you don't like it, and it's suddenly nice for it to dawn on me that I know you and you know me. Very well indeed. You're a huge comfort.


I'm actually as badly backdated as "The Happy". Do you know what I found out? All the things you wrote about.. it was as if you were writing for me (when I was in clinic and was too tired to be stuffed).. SO much happened to me that was the same! It wasn't the big huge incidents, it was the small simple things that make me want to go, "Hey! Me toooooos!" And since i didn't want to be a bimbo and reply like.. 3000000 posts of yours with "hey! Me too!" I will just tell you what I mean here. To take up space on my own bit of the WWW. So polite right, nvr take up space on yours.


1. On certain wrong side of the bed days, I get pissed off at parking spots.
2. I got lost yesterday and sped the whole way home, shaking, because I had to drive into Fremantle at night. I wasn't pleased.
3. I need to win back The Happy
4. Sing like there is no tomorrow, for tomorrow your voice will be just a little better than today.
5. The nunnery is looking good to me, maybe not to you!
6. THE LAST THING I WANT IS TO GET SUCKED BACK INTO THE MOONEY PHASE. (Gan, R., Personal Communication, 2007). Well. Too late for me.
7. Getting criticised about trivialities and having the minor majored on sucks.
8. The car has a bloody sticker. Buy it for the bloody sticker! ROFL. no, I don't agree with that. I just wanted to say it.
9. The day you started on Yunho was the point of no return. Thankfully, Wuzun can be sold second hand for a literature review.
10. Hamsters on strings, or strings on hamsters rock.
11. "it's the simple and stupid things in life that make you smile. If they're just simple, or just stupid, they won't. They have to simple AND stupid." I cracked up so much. I love u! (no, you don't make me smile. you're not simple and stupid. lol!)
12. And yes, at the very same time for me, Mediocrity is Over. That's painful. But fighting hard is a good thing. I'm going to get up and get ON with it too. What is there to mince about right?


Catch you soon, cuddlefishpop.


OTHER BORING THINGS LIKE WHINING


To be honest, i skipped clinic today and called in sick. Guilty Sigh. How long more can I take this? (It's only 1 year more, right?) My lecture notes say that my literature review should "pay tribute". HUH? Hmm, that's one criteria I don't really get. Anyway, I've finally finished my Literature Review. Thank God. I've printed it and I am not going to think about it anymore.


On to Dysphagia. I feel like the most boring person on earth! I feel like I am burning out. One assignment down and another one to start on. I've never been so academically frustrated. It feels really like torture when you know you have to do everything well, including clinic.


I don't know what I want anymore. I've decided to fight on, to do what I have to, but I really am becoming too tired to do so. Who says when I get out there to work, things won't be different? How much real rest have we had in the last year? 3 days? I'm serious- even holidays are choc-a-bloc full of something. I wish there were more such precious rest days. Days when I live to rest. And live to enjoy. Can you tell I am drowning? Roar. roar. roar.


Ok, so I am sadded. but I've got to go and do something about it. Like play the piano, or study dysphagia. Like Rachel says, mediocrity must end.

You rescued me.


How come I can't seem to appreciate that?


I am too human, too short sighted to be surrenderedly grateful.


Nevertheless, I come to you, and I ask you to carry me all the way through.


I don't know what my problem is, man.

Sigh.


It's finally happened. It's all over, all at once, and Su Re and I are staring disconsolantly at the 'what-ifs'. I am supposedly content- knowing that this outcome was the only good outcome. I am like a drowning child who will not be saved for love of water but was picked out wretched, kicking and screaming.


My mind is upset that what was only yesterday is turning out to be history so quickly. Maybe it is better to live this way- be pricked by a needle now than stabbed tomorrow. I've lost appetite for all normal foods. Now I just want junk and comfort food. I didn't think it would affect me as much as it does now. Well, that is what you get for playing with fire and in 3 days time, my anticipated "indifference" may yet save me. Iam counting on it. I am ashamed to admit I had emotional attachments. I should learn that what I've done in similar fashion to others.. this is what it feels like. It's true, if you want to play snap, make sure you snap first. Always the smarter choice.


I think back over the weeks. Maybe I was just dumb. In a few days time this will all be better. Just.. come on, time! Come on! argh. argh. Antagonising. I wonder if he knows that this mattered to me? Or what it even meant? Maybe I am just.. not aloof enough for my own good. I think it was my own hole to dig.


I'm... Sadded..

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Evil livE


The word evil is just 'live' spelt backwards, because in our sinful nature of the flesh, we live in sin until sanctified. It's inevitable. By living, we end up hurting and getting hurt, but it's meant to be better than being alone. Supposedly, no man is an island- life without human communication is just.. existance. However, doesn't existance sometimes prove peaceful compared to a chaotic life?


I've had a day of strangeness. Some good, some contemplative. We'll never be contented with our life.. imperfections strike as burdensome. Till the day we die, we'll never be contented, we who desire after perfection, who desire conquest and success, we will never see the shore of landlubbers till the day he takes us home across that great glass sea. Then, and only then, will we be contented, rested.


I am incoherent when I guess songs on the iLike application of facebook. I say things like, "umumumumumum um um" or "ba ba ba ba" or "nananananaaa!!!". I became more coherent toward the end but regressed into babbling to speed up cognitively in the end. How weird is that?!?!?! But Esther & I had good fun doing that all night!


I cannot pretend to be calm. I'm being seriously freaked out like mad. Like crazy. Like I've never been so freaked out. God, please.. tell me what is going on.

my life is really interesting. Who ever though everday could be mundane? They must be mad.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

L'infantile Terrible


HAHHAA. that's what Mr. Brown's blog is titled! I find it so amusing. Especially since i meet a lot of L'infantile Infants. But that is because they are actually infants. So that is somewhat excusable. It's freezing now. For some reason, temperatures have dropped drastically.


I am going to Scots! It's confirmed now. Scary huh? I don't know what to expect, except that God has opened these doors for me. Scotland.. I'm yes, freaked that I put myself in the position to go and experience these things.. and yes, excited because it sounds good. But I'm also.. actually.. scared.


The lit review is NOT finished. I've overshot and I should be summarizing, but I need a free day to do that sort of continuous thinking (several hours of brain juice). So, I've assigned wednesday (MY FREE DAYYYY).


I've made up my mind about some things. hahah. One has won out. Merry Christmas. Let's see how this goes. I'm interested to find out truth and depth.


Wonder how Lydia is in Brissy. And how lawgirl is doing. Please don't kill me for sending u that bumper sticker on facebook ok? lol.


Mumma and Papa have been awesome. I feel like the brady bunch recently, actually (no siblings is all). I've made a couple of new purchases after a long time of not really shopping. I'm very pleased with what I managed to secure.


1. grey dress $10

2. Ice tray $1.95

3. Markers $1.95

4. Green show and tell bag $4.95

5. An awesome book about the book eating boy. $10


I have not been to ikea for the longest time, and I've finally managed to go! WHOOHOO.
I've been recovering recently from that bad bad cold. My seat on the plane to Scotland is chosen. it happens to be my bra size. So weird la.


I'm just sitting and stoning a bit. Lately, been happy. Got good music, not thinking too much about anything other than survival (clinic home sleep go-out)


Ok la. I know lately the blogs have been crap. Clinic robs me of juice.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Revamp


I spent Tuesday rewriting my literature review. I will spend today finishing it! I don't want to have to deal with it anymore, I just want it finished! Grrrr....

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Third Person

She walk, wobbled, watching the walls as they moved back and forth. Her feet were of clay, like lead, clumsy and uncoordinated. Her mind was flashing in and out, she couldn't remember much except where she was going. So she went, and when she had come to where she wanted to be, her body took over. It was a mess of green, orange and white, a putrid, rancid mixture of the last 6 hours. Help arrived in time for her to feel a little less anxious, but the only place for her was bed.


So she decided to go to sleep.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Bluster
The wind blew so so so hard today.


Su and I had the funniest OMGOMGOMG i'm going to blow away moment.


It was so cold, and we just kept laughing and laughing.


Windy blustery days make me want to stay home with Pooh.

I heard this on the radio in the morning and it has gotten stuck in my head.



"Hey. Hey. Do you think I can make it?" I think it's a shannon noll song.



My voice is so sexy. I cannot talk much now. Or else I will bowl the world over with my husky voice and multiple germs coughed up from my trachea/oesophagus. Where in the world are my germs coming from?!



I have an incline that maybe my past few days of reflux has had a hand in this.



Vital functions not functioning completely well! Ahhhh.

Lit review woes. Ahhhh.

Everything in my brain is no longer organised. The interruption of evidence such as non word priming in bilinguals is tearing my structured world apart and I must find my way to compose a NEW hypothesis. Wading through 12000 journals is no mean feat. I need wellingtons.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Lifehouse
I am listening to lifehouse's everything. Songs like this make me want to cry because I have to remember how human I am and how awesome He is and it makes me feel so small yet so glad He still wants me. Songs like that. And praise you in the storm, fringes, tremble.


Sometimes I feel so pathetic. And I am constantly amazed that He still wants me, He keeps taking me back, He is the one who chases after me when I go on a tangent. He does the hard work, and all I have to do is listen.. slow down.. obey.


Sunday.. Yesterday marked the fulfillment of a prophecy I knew in my heart would come to pass. Yesterday afforded great freedom. Yesterday was truly the part I knew- Isaiah 61:3. I have been waiting a year for today to happen. I've had my three strikes and this must be my home run. I cannot turn back anymore, even though part of me is scared to go on. How can i even begin to say where I am, where I stand? I still want to run away, but He has given me strength to go on. Every part of me that is human is screaming to run away. Every part of Him is helping me stay calm.


3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61)


I laughed, for my mourning turned into joy. I laughed because He gave me boldness. I laughed because at long last, my burden is lifted, my cuts healed. I laugh because the victory was always mine and i have been waiting for this day. I laughed more than I had laughed in a long time. I looked like a manic. But it wasn't manic, it was transformation. It was magical, it happened all so quickly, it was the final breakthrough, the setting free.


How can I stand here and not be moved by you??????? You're all I want, you're all I need, everything. I called, you answered, and you came to my rescue and I want to be where you are. Just one day in your courts. Just one alabaster jar. Just one sacrifice in an area I cannot afford. That will be enough for me- one day in your courts. One glorious day, one neverending day.




"a man is least himself when he talks in his own person; when given a mask he will tell the truth." - oscar wilde


Sara has found disclosure increasingly difficult.