intimidate

It should be the name of a board game. You already know the rules- most scary person wins control. And we all play it, even with people we love. And there's a get out of jail card in the pile which I drew today. It's the God card. I am obligation free, fright-free, fear-free, leverage-free. You can't touch me, because the worst thing that can happen is that you will find somewhere better(?) to be. Or I might find somewhere better(!) to be. :)

Vindication is coming. I have already drawn the card and it will be played soon. You can be sure that I will be counting on 1 of 3 options and I know that God won't leave me hanging. When you met me you didn't count on meeting my father behind me too, but now you might think about that a little bit.

忍

Even resilience will not carry me this far.

Perhaps I am going only where God can take me.

I am really tempted to whinge so that I have an excuse not to go there. I really don't want to walk into where I am walking into right now.

Work is misery.

I never used to separate "work" from "real life". Now I do. I think that having "real life" in a whole package is much healthier for my body. But the money from work is nice. Maybe I should live with more frugality and give up on the career thing.

Today I realised

That in the end, it is not about how much of life is going well-

It is how much of life is Godified.

The End

After a decade of sniping, snogging and singlehood, it's all come to a close. Like a plane descending on the tarmac, everyone emits a sigh of decided relief, collects their luggage, and complain that in the end, it was all a big hoo ha for nothing.

Standing in this threshold, looking backward and forward all at the same time, is a fairly surreal yet serene experience. The slow and winding end of singlehood is generous to allow time for thinking, meaning and reflecting. I wonder what we will be like once we are all paired off, each bonded to the other legally, ceremonially. I wish that deep down inside, there will be a part of each of us that remembers the yesterdays, just in case they come in handy one day. Growing old is not palatable but is the bitter medicine better accepted that tolerated. And perhaps some of us will achieve the elusive "gracefulness" with which the deed should be done.

Here's to growing old, and to more sex than less in the next 20 years.

All the grand schemes we had

My discomfort currently ranks a 7.5/10, which is uncomfortable enough to make my stomach churn and to experience a degree of depression which forfeits me the joy of weekends (not to mention the joy of being married next week). Should I decide to be assertive and send my discomfort levels sky high? I am already working hard to moderate myself and my regulation techniques are not working. I have not tried the ultimatum- confrontation. it is like putting water in your ear to get water out of your ear. I am not a fan- but it works... sometimes. I am like Sheldon having french toast on oatmeal day.

Nothing holds me today, I am shifting loosely, hanging from nothing. Nothing seems potent enough to fixate me, escape me from this reality. Maybe I've taken too much of a leaf from Dennis' book and become too much of a realist for my own sanity.

Do artists do my job? or only scientists? How many are artists? How many scientists? This deep sadness inside me rings of defeat- I've been too scared and too tired to fight. I've asked God why I keep having to face another difficult situation, but I already know the answer. I have to grow, right? My stomach churning is not last night's dinner. It is the sad anxiety I wake up with in the mornings that doesn't dissipate.

Dear God please help me! My brain is leaking and I'm really not thinking straight. And I want to be happy for tomorrow.