It makes me very happy to think that the bunch of us are all growing up and getting married. Hehehe. Someone's getting proposed too next month! And there are some other people who are also getting close to that time! :) Happy. I like that we all were once girly and stuck to each other and have now branched out and found men to be with. It makes me want to dance.

---

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree.

I've rented a throwing wheel for a month and have been making a good number of pieces.

I am considering buying a second hand wheel!

Working has been good and so has church...

We went to Ikea recently again to commemorate our first time together and also to look at the new catalogue items.

Marriage is soon but really not soon enough-

I am truly happy with what I have.

My Jesus is good.

I should be sleeping.

But tonight feels funny in a bad way.

It's the last night of class (which makes me sad now, but not when I left) and I told S that I was going to ask him a lot of questions, for which I have gotten all my answers to. I didn't bargain on getting questions I didn't ask answered. But answer them he did- he told us why he became a potter, and what kind of money he lived on. 8000 a year seems impossible, but he does it. There are other things about what he said that seemed sad and distant, and in some way he does strike me as the hermit that I see in myself.

It's gotten worse lately, except at work. It's just become a habit. I don't see a point in interacting, in making and keeping new friends that I don't really like (because friends need maintenance you know). I haven't met anyone I really do like in a while except for the work girls. I like them all. And outside of work, I don't really like anyone. The old church, to be honest, was a horrid and stinky and painfully scarring place to make friends after the last wave of good old people left for home. Maybe, although nothing bad has happened here, I am holding back so much because of FCC. It hurts too much to think of trying again unsuccessfully to integrate when I am so not cut out to fit the shape of things. It might work out, I don't know. Maybe I haven't let go of what's been so painful in FCC. I thought I had come to a neutral standpoint of being who I was, where I was. I'm not so sure now- I feel like I need to change something, or that there is a huge pressure to change something.

hermit.

hermit.

hermit.

hermit.

It hurts so much, especially when I see emails. I just think that people really must have disliked me back there in FCC. I don't want it to happen again and I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Tomorrow is Thursday and I need to seriously think about pursuing pottery and the hermit life while being sustained by, as Rudi has kindly put it, a Sugar Daddy who is compassionate to artists. If I didn't have Dennis, I would REALLY be a hermit. If I didn't have Dennis, my life would be a really different ball game.

And I do know now that if I didn't have God I would so honestly be dead. How sad but how true that while a person can at one moment live so high, can fall so low from someone else's tongue. And how certain their impending scarring, if only a nick, if they know not a potter to smooth it over.

Something inside me just doesn't feel right about all this, and especially about FCC. I need to deal with it so I can get on with my life in this new church.