Saturday, February 25, 2006

WANTED


Perfectly respectable timetable, preferably without long breaks. Will maintain well and show for all classes, cross my heart. Call or email at office hours, tuesdays after hours will be at Gelares.



Sigh. I got a LOUSY timetable. But never mind. Work harder.



Tired. So tired. Thanks to those few people who were there. It's strange how life it, having people there and not there.. unreliability is consistent. =)



Indeed God has been good. Thank you Mr. Branch. You showed me a little today what you promised me a month ago- something I will not see till I cross past this life into eternity. And there's still time before that happens- says 7 odd decades. But you know that it is what I want the most- you built it into me; an unreasonable desire, a passion for perfection I knew I would never find nor reach.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Run Run Run Run.

Here's an irony: I'm the most alone in a crowd; give me enough time by myself and I am a whole, happy, contented girl.

Scuttlation, vacation, alienation.

I just want to talk to you. In that crowd, it's like I'm being washed downstream in the rapids away from you. It's crazy. It's only mornings, Mr. Shepherd, that I walk on grass, wet and discomfited by my nights and you comfort me. I wish it was all day. With you. just you. And I wouldn't need anything more. Lack nothing.

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Water Bearer

[John 4: 1-26]

I saw Him coming from a distance, the dust kicking up from his feet. He walked fast, and yet unhurriedly. I noticed his gait. It was confident, but unassuming. It was getting late, I told myself, and this was no time to be watching strangers. I made a careful knot around the bucket handle and watched as the little wooden pail plunged into darkness. I felt the weight of the water in the bucket as the rope pressed into my palms, and became engrossed in fishing the water out. I didn't notice Him sit down. Didn't want to notice Him sit down.

"Will you give me a drink?" His voice was deep, but with a hint of a twinkle and I couldn't help but turn. He wasn't very tall, nor was he possessed of looks beyond an average man's. His hands were gnarly and calloused, but something attracted me to this man with a magnet so far beyond comprehension I could not ask for an explanation even if I wanted to. I wouldn't have known how. I swallowed my thoughts and answered with my mouth full.

"You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" It was all I could do to keep my thoughts from spluttering. I looked away. He looked at me. There was no awkward silence. "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water." It was as if he was musing aloud. He contemplated this for a while, a slight smile bordering his cracked lips. Yet, the cryptic reply was meant for me. I twisted the gnarly rope in my hands, thinking how like his hands the rope was.

There was no one else in sight. After all, no one come's to Jacob's well at this time. I squinted once more to make sure no one else was walking around, then cautiously addressed Him. I wanted to know- Had to know so badly. Funny- 5 minutes ago I didn't want to acknowledge His existence. "Sir, you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"

He smiled at my conned-by-rote recitation of the well known story, passed on for generations. It was as if my obedience in learning the old lore pleased Him. Or perhaps, my ignorance amused Him. On hindsight, however, I doubt that. It was not in Him to find pleasure in foolishness.

By this time, I had retrieved my deep-sea-diver-friend and managed to make a presentable offering of the humble drink to this curious stranger. He received it with the gratitude of a thirsty man and I watched Him relish the refreshment. He shifted His weight and smoothed out His crumpled prayer shawl. "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Pretty words, I thought. Pretty words I did not understand. What I did understand, though, was "never thirst." And this man knew what He was talking about. No bucket, no rope, just a spring that brought life. I was curious. "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming back here to draw water." I had no idea what I had just said. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have chewed on a thought. Anything, anything at all to blot out that enourmously horrendous feeling that came with the words, "Go, call your husband and come back." Every fibre of my being cried out in guilt as iniquity swirled within me. A hundred answers came to me and a hundred I discarded. I took a step back and whispered, " I have no husband."

I felt Him looking at me, but I dared not lift my head. His tone lightened. "You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true." Once again, a sense of musing, as if he marveled how words could play with connotation but couldn't fool Him. We were playing a game with rules I did not understand. First the water, and now this. Yet, the condemnation I had braced myself for never came. He just looked at me with love in His eyes. It was as if He had known for a long time. A very long time.

I was uneasy. "Sir, I can see that you are a prophet." Stating the obvious was a sign of nervousness. "Our fathers worshipped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem." This last shot at small talk, an attempt at a diversion from the divulsion of my secret. Or secrets. My sin welled up within me and I wanted to choke. He saw this, and gave me enough grace to counter my contention with another of His cryptic replies. "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet the time is coming and has now come when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshippers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshippers must worship in spirit and in truth."

No prizes for guessing I did not understand a single word. Worship in spirit? What strangeness. I went back to what I knew. Dug up a hope in my heart I almost dared not hope for. Threw my dreams at this man's feet. Produced the essence of my living with a nonchalence not to be expected of me in such a situation. "I know that Messiah is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us." That should settle it, I thought. Drink your water and move it. No more cryptic replies, no more crummy-in-the-tummy feelings.

I wound up my rope and put it in the bucket. Jack and Jill went up the hill- no, they never made it. His voice with great emotion, and great power pulled me back. The pail and adjoining toy snake fell to the dust, unnoticed. I fell before Him as He spoke, wetting the sands with tears I had not cried for years. I clung to Him- a woman to a strange man, a mortal to the divine, a moment to a lifetime. And it was there as He lifted my face with his well worn hands that I felt myself cry out for a redemption I did not understand. I shuddered to think what I had said to this man before me, awed to believe who He was. I felt him pull me up next to Him, and as He cradled me in His arms I suddenly knew a love 6 mortal men could not teach me. For He said to me, "I who speak to you am He."
I sure hope oysters are smart. Oyster farm mind.


I don't know what to think. I feel small- that strangely vulnerable feeling in knowing I can't pull out, or pull back because of where I am. I must, I will press on. How much it will cost me I don't know. Mr. Dynamite Stix will help me. My dear, I would ask for a quote on the cost of breaking these walls but I realise you've already paid. In which case, should I not go ahead with the demolitions? Instead, I sit here pretending there is legal work that makes my head ache. There isn't. Can't you see I need you to be more than what i perceive you to be? My mind is so limited. And the truth is that i sit here twiddling my thumbs because I'm scared.


Mr. Encik (as i very ignorantly used to call him) is my local rubbish collector. Mother would run after him going, "Encik, Encik." Naturally, I thought his name to be encik. Laugh, when you've found out what that means. No matter, it has stuck. I love My other Mr. Encik. He is the most humble man, and it was He who came to me. It did not make sense, the things he did, and the way in which he did them. They still do not make sense. In some ways the rubbish collector is a mirror of my mister. mister, and in so many ways he is not. I wish the rubbish collector well, especially for the things he has taught me about my Mr. Encik. And my Mr. Encik, he takes my trash out everyday. He's such a consistent person, such a lovable, smiling figure of perserverence. But most of all, He is the essence of humility in this hat that he wears. For when I remember who He is and what He deserves, i am broken in knowing that he deals with my trash. Such is love. Not I for Him, but Him for me. I still have none to give.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

One more round

It's finally come around, this circuit I've been running since I've lived in Perth. It's such a short track. I burn fast- a little exposure to sunshine and I start to melt, to turn to a formless glue that isn't very useful. I go home to the ice-cream man and He makes me feel better. Human life can be so disconsolate and yet so impressively purposeful. The difference of one ingredient makes the mixture potent or poison.

I realised that in my melancholic narcissism, I've found nothing but a pile of crumpled feelings. The incriminating photo I have right now on my MSN is the only one that makes me feel strangely happy because I realise that it captured something true. I can't put my finger on it, though. But I should like to call it acceptance.

Abba, you told me to receive with one hand and to give with the other, both being as important as the other. And yet the laws of physics do not abide. I find you've given me to be used as a vessel, but I can't seem to hold even that. Father, it looks so simple, yet... That brokenness, cracked and leaking- that iniquity crying out. Is that how you flow out of me? How Mr. Living Water supplies? Through the cracks in my life and not through the impenetrable me? I know what you mean, but sometimes I feel like it might do some good to pull a Noah on me. What am I saying? You ARE, and I know it's hurting me. But I want you to know that I trust you, knife raised, ram poised, the way Abraham did.

I need to stop giving my time to nameless, shapeless things that don't do me any good. And yet, being so 'productive' is draining me. no more me. Just you will do.

Daddie saw the picture. Then mummie saw the picture. So I took it off. meep.

[I'm yours to love, for i in myself have no love to give.]

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

IN AN OLD HOUSE IN PARIS THAT WAS
COVERED WITH VINES
LIVED TWELVE LITTLE GIRLS IN TWO
STRAIGHT LINES.
THEY LEFT THE HOUSE AT HALF-PAST NINE
IN TWO STRAIGHT LINES, IN RAIN OR SHINE
THE SMALLEST ONE WAS
MADELINE...


sounds familiar? reverted childhood. I love cartoons like Madeline.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I've got you under my skin.



You are so much a part of me.
Without you, I'd die.
You've supported me all these years.
You are the one that makes me reach out.
You make me feel warm inside.
You keep me going.
You're so flexible.
You keep that smile on my face.
You are my strength.
You'll grow old with me.
I know we'll change together.
You move me. (superficially and deeply).

Dearest Latissimus Dorsi, be my valentine. If you won't, I'll ask another muscle. Gluteus Maximus, pectoralis major or serratus anterior. no big.

--For the little unromantic in me, and in all of us. *smirk*. Happy V's.

Monday, February 13, 2006

kimi ni au toki ga ichiban ureshii.
kimi ni au toki ga ichiban kurushii kedo.


A fair haired man in a white suit looks out across the endless scenery. I wish he would turn around.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

I am tired of the frailty humanity brings.
I am tired of the way the world invests in degradation.
I am tired because we've all been paid for and yet we choose to live in mindlessness.
Father forgive me for my shortness.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

For this is what the Lord says:


You were sold for nothing and without money you will be redeemed.


Isaiah 52:3


Without money. With something that money cannot buy? Paid, along with other things you can't really call 'free gifts' or 'perks', because the extras were pain, humiliation, hatred, and a beating so severe the whip would have complained.

A drop of crimson covers me.

And that's all I need. Thank you, Father.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

RESUME


Read that as you wish, jellyfish.


I must say that it's been awful not to have the internet for so long! (The british are known for their understatements. Perhaps I have a little blue blood in me.) Nevertheless, I'm properly back. Deep sincere apologies to Rachel for not being there!!! I was quite *irate* about being so uncontactable.. so so sorry darling!


I'm in a strangely romantic mood tonight. I've been this way since yesterday at around 1 am when I received a resigned and relieved sms that said.... XXXXXXX. haha. Sorry about the error in code. Anyway, in reply, friend,


OMEDETOU! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY! AHAHA!


Ok so someone hooked up. But hey, it's special to me because I particularly like this couple. And I've been smiling ever since. Right now, everyone loves the world, and the world loves everyone. And me? I get loved by the world and more. hee. The moon's so bright tonight.. moonshine..


My teeth (or as Rach has proved, tettles/ totthies/ tetth) have come through amazingly well. Let me freak you out. The day after the operation, I was in church, talking. I Drove to church. I walked. I ate fish. Day 6 and I had katsu don for lunch. I thank God so much for seeing me through because He knows I wanted to have a more than surreal recovery. Truly He gives the desires of our hearts. wow. God, you're amazing.


Shakers was an amazing conference.


And I shall take my leave, taking care to drop a quote by Oscar Wilde at the end so you can see how utterly ridiculous our society can be. Good night dears.


[In all unimportant matters, style, not sincerity, is essential.]