*-[Madness]`+
I don't know why, but I feel rather.. crazy. I seem to be a little woozy in my head... I finished my psychology assignment this morning after staring at it till 2 am last night and the whole of this afternoon, wondering why in the world I could only answer a 3 page essay question with 1.5 pages. Then at about 2.30 in the AFTERNOON, it hit me. I didn't double space. I stared and I stared at the assignment for so long and I didn't even realise that! So dumb. So of course I finished it in a jiffy.

But even after that I was a little woozy.. I don't think it's fatigue.. well, it could be. It could be emotional fatigue... My non-schoolwork to do list is longer than my homework. I'm so stuffed!!! HaRrRrRrgHHhHhhHhhhhh., I think I like school stress because i've become accustomed to it... any other kind of stress is just harrowing. Oh well, just got to get used to it, i guess. Wanted to have supper but didn't... sigh, so guai for what man...

It's so sad, I haven't seen my babes online recently.. I have to have my regular drug dose you know. Howhowhowhow... I'm having withdrawal symptoms liao lei... urgh... feel like calling Ps. Daph too.. she's going to Sydney!!! I wanna go toooooooo! haha no, actually I'd rather stay in SG.. AcGh. I'm going mad.. Can you tell? My writing isn't normal..

Maybe I shall go and sleep and see if that helps. And hopefully when school opens next week I shall be more sane. The scary thing is that the less Perth people I see, the more okae I seem to be... Okaeokae, I shall stop saying weird things.

[da shi ma, ai shi teng.]

*-[ More Than Family]`+

I went for Melisa's birthday yesterday and meeting people I haven't seen since last year has had a serious impact on me in that I finally turned around and saw a part of my life gone that I would never get back. Well, I didn't reflect upon it intentionally, but it just "reflected" itself. And I'm so glad that I am where I am today, because of God's grace and because of the people he's sent and the circumstances he has allowed.

There's a very narrow difference between the past and present and yet I seem to be on the other extreme of life all of a sudden. From a freaked out, fearful teenager to whom the world was a great big mess, I've come to a very calm place.. And I can finally sit back, relax and enjoy the journey God's planned for me. I once thought that I would never be as comfortable in Perth as I was in Singapore, reasoning out that the familiar feeling I craved for was accumulated over 16 years, but I was wrong. It's not been much more than a year, and I've found a different way of being comfortable in a world i don't belong to. I've been given a joy and a peace that just has no explanation or description.. I don't deserve it but I really think God has been so gracious to me- He's more than family.. It's because of Him I don't have to struggle about friendships, about being so distant from the ones I love... He gave me a peace that made me want to cry and laugh all at once, I was so relieved to have him pick me up and just love me

I still miss every one of you lovely peeps so very much, but I'm also learning to live relying on JC more than anything else... And the feeling is very liberating. =)

Don't think I'll ever want to relive the first few months of 2004, much less the scars that came with it, but I must say, I'm glad that things are calmer now, that people are older... I don't even want to think about the first few months of 2004 ever again! I'm just glad it's over over over. *shudders* that was pure chaos.

Aniwaes, I've got a week break now and I think I'll just be guai and study hard. The July holidays- I'll spend a few days crying for a ticket back to Singapore... haha, but I guess December is better than no trip at all. =)

[The ride of my life]

*-[Toilet Sporadics]`+

The Nursing building 405 is where I have my labs on Thursdays, in room 405.228. Nothing of interest there. Sure as is sure, the stained cushions will be the same dull color every Thursday. The only thing to speak of is consistency.

That is, until I went into the first toilet next to the Nurse's common room and closed the door, only to find an anonymous conversation scrawled out in white-out and other mediums (like markers) by very bored people (hopefully all female) on the back of the door. I'm not sure what other purpose it served other than to give other girls a crude laugh, but it certainly was a change from the usual 'don't vote for Howard' on the back of the UWA toilet doors. Which reminds me of Jon's theory on how he found me begging for change and took pity on me. -_-". Aniwaes. I tried to remember the writing as far as I could... it IS a bit crude but it cracked me up for the short time I was in there.

[In flustered, scrawly white-out]

I lost my Society and Finance Textbook today in this cubicle

If anyone has found it please give me a call at

04********

[In slanting white out]

I lost my virginity in this toilet today, if anyone has found it

please call me at 04********

[In Marker, Red]

I found your virginity but it told me it had been lost for years.

Do you still want it back?

[In ballpoint pen]

Don't you guys have anything better to do???

I was truly amazed at the ability to communicate with people you didn't know, just by vandalism. If I hear anyone laughing in that toilet ever again might just find out who these quirky people are.

Oh wells, tomorrow is the last day of school and I get a week off! but I'll have so much to do it won't seem like a week off... At least I get to see my 'friends' for one last time before they get put back into the fridge for safekeeping. I don't know why tomorrow is a lab session but it is. At least the reception at 404 doesn't sell chocolates... Ashley got some the other day and tempted me with them.. HmPh~! I will not faaaaaaaaaaaaaaall. I had tolberone today. -_-"

haha, I'm going to sleep so that I can wake up in time for school at 4 pm tomorrow! LaZiE. *yawn*

Oyasumi!

*-[CTAATGT]`+
Recode, if you will, the coding strand of DNA, assuming my title to be the template strand and I am pretty sure you'll find out why I cried buckets tonight.

I spotted the DVD in Ale's rack and recalled having heard a little here and there about it. (apparantly my Dad has seen it but didn't remember seeing it until half way through.) I know Rachel watched it, and I wasn't at all surprised to see Gore Vidal's name amongst the actors. I settled back a little sleepy and decided this was a good time as any to watch a movie and just drift off.

But that is exactly what didn't happen. I sat entralled for the whole length of the movie, and I can firmly attest that my heart rate shot sky high when they tested Vincent with the IV unit. And anyone who has watched this movie will know when I cried like I've never cried in front of a movie before.

Truthfully, I can say that I've been as steely as any poikilothermic reptile in even the most mushy, teary, saddening, terrifying and upsetting scenes a movie can have. I yawned in titanic when Leo drifted off the ice, and nodded in sympathy as that brave old guy killed himself by cutting the rope to his safety in order to save his friends in 'The day after tomorrow'. But this? This was unlike anything I'd ever seen. It was neither terrifying nor upsetting, it was evocative of emotion, but nothing stereotype flowed through my veins as I sat and unashamedly let the tears run. The poetry of the story ebbed and flowed, the science reeled it in and the passion threw it to pieces. What is this movie about? I think the answer is ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. The essence of humanity has never been so revealingly dressed in poetry.

The idea of imperfection has never been so appealing. The stench of perfection has never been so detested. I will never know why Jerome Morrow did what he did... because he was second best and decided he wanted all or nothing? Because deep down inside he wanted an invalid to have a chance but was too proud to admit it?

I have to admit that I always liked Jerome better than Vincent, although they were both Ethan. And it'll be a long time before I have something proper to say about a movie that says everything. I think I'm still a little stunned.

All I can say is... Imperfection is really Beautiful.

Oyasumi~

*-[Holiday Season]`+

Here we are bussing along... I bought my darling's pressie today! With Lydia's help of course...Don't we look like two cold human beings on a bus? It's a low of 9 degs tonight!
I went to freeMantle with Lydia today! It was good fun.. and she's going back to Sg tomorr! Have a safe flight beautiful! I'll see you in 2 weeks~! *muacks*

I don't know why... I feel so strange, so sad, so passive. Murdoch and UWA are having another break, and I'm going to be in school as per normal. Things are catching up to me. I haven't done my biology! Horror of horrors. But I suppose that's the kind of thing that of late has mattered less and less.

I have been so strange lately... I've lost that care that I used to have. Now all I can do is to study and eat and sleep and study and eat and sleep. A nerdy pig, yeah that's what it is. Perhaps I'm blue because I can't return to Singapore, but I don't think that is it. I think it's the fact that my life here is my life here and that I must live it without looking back.

What's a world without memories?

This dyspepsia is driving me mad. And yet I'm learning something.. I'm learning that sometimes you have to stand alone and not care what people say anymore. Sometimes your stuffed animals will have to suffice for confidantes. Sometimes... just sometimes, being alone and crying alone is a good thing. Because if anyone else is around they try to find out what the problem is, try to fix it when they can't. With all goodwill I am grateful... but of late I've been a real grump. I've resorted to hiding away. I've stopped talking about the xin shi that used to be so easy for me to spill. What's happening to me? Am I becoming one of those anti-social loner people? I don't seem to find this loneliness as hard as it was before... have I gotten used to it? Come to like it, even? Why is it more difficult to tell the people who matter how I feel? Why don't I feel the need to spill everything like I used to? I'm so weirded out by the worst person to be weirded out by- me. Because I can't run away.

Two nights ago I decided that Wine was a very nice beverage... Haha.. No, no, before you label me an alcoholic, I only had half a glass. Realised I can't hold my alcohol well, because I was quite red by the time I was done... and I took a picture of my glass because it would all soon be gone. I must have been weirded out.

Meet Mr. Bloaty Fish! (ok, so I haven't taken a pic of him) Su gave him to me~! haha.. He's very cute and he lights up when you press his fins down! *grinz*

My Darling's Birthday is coming in 4 days! おたんじょび　おめでとう！Happy Birthday! AiEee.. why can't I be there to celebrate with my baby! unfair lei... *extra hugs and kisses*

Test at the CAA labs later today.. I'm going psycho... haha so you can guess what test it is... *grinz* aiyaa... anyways, just get it over and done with lorrs. UrGh... I need to go to the horrible med library at the corner of hampden and monash road~! Horrible project lorr... need to get books. Wish I could drag my darlings come with me then at least it would be fun...

OkAe la.. .maybe I shall turn up early for my test because i have to meet Lydia at 2... she's going to SG tomorrow! hur... should ask her to bring my darling her favourite starbursts. And to bring me meiji chocolate!! fat~!!! Oh wells.

It's been a very tiresome week.. I think I shall go prepare to leave the house now. Jaa~

p.s. the song below is titled [All for Love]- Hillsong's united live. Forgot to type that in yesterday...

All for love a Father gave

For only love could make a way

All for love heavens cried

For love was crucfied

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart

But still You forgive

If only I ask

And how many times have You heard me pray

Drawn near to me

Everything I need is You

My beginning, my forever

Everything I need is You

Let me sing all for love

I will join the angel's song

Ever holy is the Lord

King of Glory

King of all

All for love a Saviour prayed

Abba Father have Your way

Though they know not what they do

Let the Cross draw man to You

*-[You]`+
For a single individual you make a big difference, and I wish you'd know it. Perhaps not know it to the extent that you get all egoistic, but I still wish you wouldn't feel so bad about sliding. After all, it's the first step to getting back the discipline you want to have. You don't know that you've made such a big difference with me. Just one conversation and God's used you to spark in me a fire, a passion for his name that just cries out to be fanned. Just you showing me your frustration about not being as tight with God has made me want to spend more time getting to know my savior. Not many people have the power to influence like you do, not many people does God use to influence in an instant... and I would really like to thank you for taking time out to speak with me... But hey, you don't read blogs do you? and you don't blog, do you? So I'm glad you don't, for I shall express my gratitude here and you shall never know it.

Thank you for letting God use you and for being so teachable, a great listener, encourager and one who has more faith in me than I do in myself. Thanks for noticing this little midget of a baby... hehs. And I really pray that as you grow you'll find what you want- a delight in the Father, an absorbtion and adoration you'll never forget. Keep it tight. =)

*-[The Auction]`+
A mere slave, who had known no other life. A girl who smiled as often as moons were blue. Life was ephemeral, there was nothing after to look forward to. I worked as slaves worked, knowing no better, complaining only when I could get away with it. They treated me badly, and I knew it. But I couldn't compare to what I didn't know. I could only imagine what better lives there were out there to be lived. I had no hope. Dashed hopes were more painful than no hope, I told myself. And my heart hardened as the years passed.

One day was enough to change everything, though. And that day was the most frightening yet liberating experience of my life. When I had finished my duties that day, I inched my way back to the dreary sleeping quarters I had been alotted. I thought I was hallucinating when he took me by the hand and told me that my time had come. That sinister voice. My owner. The chains came back on and the careful guardedness that they had watched me with intensified. As if I could run away in this state. haha. Funny one, guys.

And something clicked on the way. Something disconcerting that made my stomach churn. It was slave trading season. New owners. I hated them. I felt used, like an appliance coming to the end of it's lifespan. And although I felt nothing, the tears began to stream down my face. Why are you crying? It's not like you care.. your life is worthless, meaningless. You're a slave.

Turns out it was for personal profit. He who owned me also auctioned me. And he auctioned me ruthlessly. Bargaining started low. and it didn't get very high at all. The measly amount they were willing to pay for an already half dead girl, mostly devoid of emotion. A hardened girl, small and frail, but with enough venom to bite and bite hard. I hissed.

The discussion became more open. How vicious I looked. How glazed my eyes were, and was I on drugs? They bargained harder. I watched the sweat beads on a fat man's face as he held up his auction number, unsure if he'd made the right choice. They didn't want me. If they did, it was only because they'd played a game of roulette and lost. My owner, evil personified became more agitated by the minute. I wasn't worth all this discussion he had said, and had belted me in the back of my knees. I knelt, and hated him.

"Enough!" He roared. "She's just a little twat! I might as well kill her off and save all your stingy faces from paying any more than you don't want to!" I used to think him queer. As I grew up I learnt that it was more of a fervent madness that couldn't leave him. It had a stench that reeked and I hated him even more than ever. Then I saw the flash of silver that was unmistakable. I closed my eyes. I was so sure he'd kill me, he was already stark raving mad anyway. As the cold blade pressed against the back of my neck, my breathing got louder and more erratic. But I resolved to die silent. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of sensing my fear, although I'm not sure he didn't already know.

That was it. That was when He stood up from amongst the crowd, my very own savior. A very inconspicuous figure He was at first but now His presence filled the room. The wrath seethed from Him as He stood upright in his chair and said loudly, firmly and with great purpose, "Nothing they offer can satisfy you even though she is nothing to you! I know what you want and you can have it. You crave my blood, my death, and you will trade me that for this girl!"

"Done!" Lucifer was excited. The contract he carried with him always had finally proved useful. Glee broke out as he pushed his slave away and handed the blade to this man, who promptly and unflinchingly signed the paper in blood. His hand bled, and as he slowly reached to stop the oozing, viscous blood, my owner looked up with hungry eyes to say, "The time and place of death has been ordained by yourself, you fool. I'll see you there." And he cackled. Funny how my owner looked so much smaller and so much more bent next to this man, who had given so much for so little. Funny how there was a strange glow of warmth in this man's eyes that wasn't a strange madness that I had known all these years.

"ahh, take her, the little wench!" And my ex-owner gave me a spiteful look before leaving, clutching his precious contract and hurrying away. I looked down, and to my own surprise found my tears dropping like beads to the ground. What shocked me further was that there was another set of teardrops nearby, and as this great man kneeled next to me I felt so small, and so unworthy. His hands were rough from work, but His touch was gentle. I shivered as he approached me, unused to such attention. And as He slowly grasped the chains with both hands, I caught a glimpse of His strength. The chains snapped without complaint. He gathered me up in His arms and I broke, from all those years of meaningless living, from the hatred I held inside me, twisting and squirming. I turned into Him and began to cry, for the first time, with real emotion. There was a very strange sense of release in my heart and I didn't know what to think- this was all so new. He kissed me on my forehead, and I realised He had paid the highest price for me out of love. Love? It really did exist. And I, who had always been wary, trusted a total stranger with my life in an instant as he said to me, "hey kiddo, let's go home."

*-[The Auction]`+
A mere slave, who had known no other life. A girl who smiled as often as moons were blue. Life was ephemeral, there was nothing after to look forward to. I worked as slaves worked, knowing no better, complaining only when I could get away with it. They treated me badly, and I knew it. But I couldn't compare to what I didn't know. I could only imagine what better lives there were out there to be lived. I had no hope. Dashed hopes were more painful than no hope, I told myself. And my heart hardened as the years passed.

One day was enough to change everything, though. And that day was the most frightening yet liberating experience of my life. When I had finished my duties that day, I inched my way back to the dreary sleeping quarters I had been alotted. I thought I was hallucinating when he took me by the hand and told me that my time had come. That sinister voice. My owner. The chains came back on and the careful guardedness that they had watched me with intensified. As if I could run away in this state. haha. Funny one, guys.

And something clicked on the way. Something disconcerting that made my stomach churn. It was slave trading season. New owners. I hated them. I felt used, like an appliance coming to the end of it's lifespan. And although I felt nothing, the tears began to stream down my face. Why are you crying? It's not like you care.. your life is worthless, meaningless. You're a slave.

Turns out it was for personal profit. He who owned me also auctioned me. And he auctioned me ruthlessly. Bargaining started low. and it didn't get very high at all. The measly amount they were willing to pay for an already half dead girl, mostly devoid of emotion. A hardened girl, small and frail, but with enough venom to bite and bite hard. I hissed.

The discussion became more open. How vicious I looked. How glazed my eyes were, and was I on drugs? They bargained harder. I watched the sweat beads on a fat man's face as he held up his auction number, unsure if he'd made the right choice. They didn't want me. If they did, it was only because they'd played a game of roulette and lost. My owner, evil personified became more agitated by the minute. I wasn't worth all this discussion he had said, and had belted me in the back of my knees. I knelt, and hated him.

"Enough!" He roared. "She's just a little twat! I might as well kill her off and save all your stingy faces from paying any more than you don't want to!" I used to think him queer. As I grew up I learnt that it was more of a fervent madness that couldn't leave him. It had a stench that reeked and I hated him even more than ever. Then I saw the flash of silver that was unmistakable. I closed my eyes. I was so sure he'd kill me, he was already stark raving mad anyway. As the cold blade pressed against the back of my neck, my breathing got louder and more erratic. But I resolved to die silent. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of sensing my fear, although I'm not sure he didn't already know.

That was it. That was when He stood up from amongst the crowd, my very own savior. A very inconspicuous figure He was at first but now His presence filled the room. The wrath seethed from Him as He stood upright in his chair and said loudly, firmly and with great purpose, "Nothing they offer can satisfy you even though she is nothing to you! I know what you want and you can have it. You crave my blood, my death, and you will trade me that for this girl!"

"Done!" Lucifer was excited. The contract he carried with him always had finally proved useful. Glee broke out as he pushed his slave away and handed the blade to this man, who promptly and unflinchingly signed the paper in blood. His hand bled, and as he slowly reached to stop the oozing, viscous blood, my owner looked up with hungry eyes to say, "The time and place of death has been ordained by yourself, you fool. I'll see you there." And he cackled. Funny how my owner looked so much smaller and so much more bent next to this man, who had given so much for so little. Funny how there was a strange glow of warmth in this man's eyes that wasn't a strange madness that I had known all these years.

"ahh, take her, the little wench!" And my ex-owner gave me a spiteful look before leaving, clutching his precious contract and hurrying away. I looked down, and to my own surprise found my tears dropping like beads to the ground. What shocked me further was that there was another set of teardrops nearby, and as this great man kneeled next to me I felt so small, and so unworthy. His hands were rough from work, but His touch was gentle. I shivered as he approached me, unused to such attention. And as He slowly grasped the chains with both hands, I caught a glimpse of His strength. The chains snapped without complaint. He gathered me up in His arms and I broke, from all those years of meaningless living, from the hatred I held inside me, twisting and squirming. I turned into Him and began to cry, for the first time, with real emotion. There was a very strange sense of release in my heart and I didn't know what to think- this was all so new. He kissed me on my forehead, and I realised He had paid the highest price for me out of love. Love? It really did exist. And I, who had always been wary, trusted a total stranger with my life in an instant as he said to me, "hey kiddo, let's go home."